Computer Jokes

A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer-the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace - was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a "window" to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.

A confused caller was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said that it 'could not find the printer.' The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but his computer still could not 'see' the printer.

A customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.

A customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the screen and pressing the "send" key.

A customer needed help setting up a new program, so the technician suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the man said. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, Oh," I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

A customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes.

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world." The civil engineer interrupted and said "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world." The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled, and said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?

A Engineer and an Programmer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Engineer leans over to the Programmer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Programmer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Engineer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me £5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you £5." Again, the Programmer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.The Engineer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me £5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you £50!" This catches the Programmer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Engineer asks the firs t question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Programmer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Engineer. Now, it's the Programmer's turn. He asks the Engineer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Engineer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers - all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Programmer and hands him £50. The Programmer politely takes the £50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Engineer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Programmer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the Programmer reaches into his wallet, hands the Engineer a $5 bill, and turns away to get back to sleep.

A person turned on the computer without a keyboard plugged in. When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a "Keyboard Error" message. She then asks "Why did it give me a keyboard error? There isn't even a keyboard attached?

A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish." The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said "I'd like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east." The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits." The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes" Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."

A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message. "Due to lack of maintenance," he read, we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? "I know," said the Branch Manager, Let's have a meeting," propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way." "No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, That will take far too long," and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time a t all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way." "Well," said the Software Engineer, Before we do anything," I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? "I know," said the Branch Manager, Let's have a meeting," propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way." "No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, That will take far too long," and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way." "Well," said the Software Engineer, Before we do anything," I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

A software verifier read in the Bible that God protects all fools, and decided to test it empirically. He jumped out of the window and broke a leg. There he lies, writhing in pain, and happily thinks: "I never really considered myself a fool, but I never knew I was THAT clever!"

A system programmer came home from work almost at dawn and told his wife enthusiastically: "Tonight I have installed a new release of MVS/ESA together with VM/CMS and CICS/VS". "G.O.O.D" answered his wife.

A tech support employee once received a call from a disgruntled lady who had purchase one of their PCs. "The cup holder on my computer broke! I just got some coffee and put it in the cup holder and then it broke, and the coffee spilled all over me! I want a replacement!" The employee was a little confused and didn't know what to say. He finally asked her to describe the cup holder to him ... he'd never heard of his company selling in-computer cup holders. So the lady went on to describe the cup holder to him. "Well, it pops out of the little box when I push a button, and it has 40x written on it ... "

A technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room.

A technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

A technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labelled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.

After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realised you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."

After buying a PC from a dealer of shady shady repute, the luckless customer unpacked his new toy and plugged it in to find it Dead On Arrival. Naturally, after checking the usual things, he called the dealer and explained his problem. First question from Deviously Evasive Dealer: "Did you check to see whether the power was on?" "Of course." DED: "Did you open the cover and check whether any of the boards had shaken loose in shipping?" "Of course." DED: Then why are you calling me?" "Well, you sold it to me and there has to be some kind of warranty, pleaded the frustrated purchaser. Of course there is," replied the DED, But you voided the warranty when you opened the cover." There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence."

An exasperated caller to Tech Support couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced. He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it." About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.

Another customer called Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

As most technophiles are aware, there are special programs to run scanners. These programs use a TWAIN driver to perform the scanning. TWAIN, the acronym, stands for "Technology Without An Interesting Name."

Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go." Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?" Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell. When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, if this is Hell," I can't wait to see heaven." Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity. Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons."So, how is everything going?" God asked.Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?" "That was the demo," replied God.

Comments made by Programmers when their programs don't work: Strange ... I've never heard about that. It did work yesterday. Well, the program needs some fixing. How is this possible? The machine seems to be broken. Has the operating system been updated? The user has made an error again. There is something wrong in your test data. I have not touched that module! Yes yes, it will be ready in time. You must have the wrong executable. Oh, it's just a feature. I'm almost ready. Of course, I just have to do these small fixes. It will be done in no time at all. It's just some unlucky coincidence. I can't test everything! THIS can't do THAT. Didn't I fix it already? It's already there, but it has not been tested. It works, but it's not been tested. Somebody must have changed my code. There must be a virus in the application software. Even though i t does not work, how does it feel? How come you didn't find it during the system testing? It's a setup problem. And the Ultimate: A smart user would never do that!

Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to: 1) Divide 2) ROUND 3) RANDOM 4) On a Pentium, all of the above Number 4.

Computer helpline? Everytime I log onto the seven dwarfs website my computer screen goes snow white ... .

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Computers manufacturer is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

Customer: "Hi, I'm supposed to pack [zip] my database and send it to you. What should I pack it in?"

Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"

Customer: "I'm running Windows '95." Tech: "Yes." Customer: "My computer isn't working now." Tech: "Yes, you said that."

Customer: "It says I've performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Have I done something wrong?"

Customer: "I've been doing risk analysis by hand for five years, and we finally got your program so we could do it automatically - but there's a bug in it. The answers come out differently each time." Tech Support: "Sir, are you aware that our program uses Monte-Carlo analysis?" Customer: "Of course I am. That's why I bought it." Tech Support: "Sir, do you know what Monte-Carlo analysis does?" Customer: "Don't get rude with me, of course I do." Tech Support: "Put briefly, sir, it runs through your project several times, throwing random delays in, and at the end it averages out the results." Customer: "I know all that - what I want to know is why it keeps giving me different answers every time I run it."

Customer: "My disk is stuck in my disk drive. Clicking eject doesn't work." Tech Support: "Ok, turn the power to your Mac off, hold down the mouse clicker, and power the Mac back up." Customer: "Look, I don't have three hands!"

Customer: "Wait, that password looks really grey. I'm going to type it in again."

Customer: "Why didn't you tell me I have call waiting?" Tech Support: "Sir, we have no way of knowing if you have call waiting." Customer: "Well, you should ask everybody!" Tech Support: "Do you have call waiting?" Customer: "What's that?"

Customer: I think I've got a bug in my computer. Repairman: Does your computer make a humming noise? Customer: Yes. Repairman: Then it must be a humbug!

Dear Boss, I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me. At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk. In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak. Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?

Dear God: Yesterday was an awful day for me ... My husband ran off with his secretary, My son pierced his eyebrow, My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head, My dog mated with the neighbours cat, My neighbour sold her house to a mental institution, My Mom told me I was adopted, My Dad told me he's gay, My boss told me I was laid off, My sister was arrested for prostitution, My house has termites, My car was stolen, All that came in the mail was bills, A plane, crash landed on my garage, OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner, And my TV blew. Lord, please be with me today. I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today! But please ... . DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER! AMENA programmer enters an elevator, wanting to go to the 12th floor. So, he pushes 1, then he pushes 2, and starts looking for the Enter ... .

Do you turn on your computer with your left hand or your right hand? " My right hand." " Amazing!Most people have to use the on/off switch."

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a computer. My goodness, you'd better come to my surgery right away! I can't, my power cable won't reach that far.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a laptop computer. You're just run down, let me give you some vitamins. No, thanks. But I could do with some new batteries.

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees." The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees. Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?" A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!"

Got this email from a friend: CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?

Helpline? I've just pushed a piece of bacon into my disk drive! Has the computer stopped working? No, but there's a lot of crackling.

How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day? Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."

How do you stop your laptop batteries from running out? Hide their trainers.

How does Bill Gates enter his house? He uses "windows".

How does Bill Gates screw in a lightbulb? He doesn't. He declares darkness the industry standard.

How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb? One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.

How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb? "You're still thinking procedurally! A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class!"

How many IBM employees does it take to change a light bulb? Fifteen. Five to do it, and ten to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incadescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank".

How many Java programmers does it take to change a light bulb? One, to generate a "ChangeLightBulb" event to the socket.

How many maintenance programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They try to fix the old one. "We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?"

How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb? We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.

How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine ... "

How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.

How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem.

How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.

I heard that if you play the Windows NT 4.0 CD backwards, you'll get a satanic message. But the most frightening thing is that if you play it forward, it installs NT 4.0!

I overheard a woman in a computer store say to the sales assistant "I want a game capable of holding the interest of my six-year-old, but it's got to be simple enough for his father to play, too."

If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed ... Oh, wait a minute, he already does.

If Microsoft built cars you would need to restart your car, then it would perform illegal operations and crash.

I've been on my computer all night! Don't you think you'd be more comfortable on a bed like everyone else?

I've been sitting at this computer for hours and I haven't seen a single website. That's because you're supposed to sit facing the screen.

Jesus and Satan got into an argument over which of them was the better computer programmer. Finally God got tired of the bickering and told them that he would judge a contest between them. They each had four hours to write the best program they could, and then God would decide the winner. Well, they both got right down to business, and wrote lines and lines and lines of code. But just before the four hours were up there was a flash of lightning and a tremendous clap of thunder. The lights flickered, the power faltered, and both computer screens went dead. When power was restored, God declared that time was up and asked to see the results of their work. Jesus flipped on his computer and displayed the most elegant program you could imagine, with beautiful architecture and wonderful syllogisms, triumphs of multimedia sound and pictures - all kinds of bells and whistles. God asked Satan what he had created, but Satan said, "I've got nothing, absolutely nothing. My program was twice as good as that, but I lost it all when the power went out. Jesus must have cheated. How could he still have such a great program?" God replied, "Everybody knows - Jesus Saves."

Many people in computer labs will assure you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they were doing everything correctly, and it still wasn't working, only to make you get up from your nice comfy seat to walk over to the other side of the room and do it yourself. Invariably, after it works the first time for you, the response is, "THAT'S WHAT I TYPED THE FIRST TIME!" Obviously not.

Me: "What is that noise?" Customer: "Hey Martinez! I'm on the phone! Cut it out!" Me: "What was that?" Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Customer: "It's from a device." Me: "What kind of device?" Customer: "I don't know." Me: "Like a fax machine or something?" Customer: "I don't know. Someone is under house arrest or something."

Mum, Mum, Dad's broken my computer! How did he do that? I dropped it on his head.

My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI.

My computer made a funny sound the other day. Of course, I've never heard it get thrown out a window before.

Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.

One guy was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!

One of Microsoft's finest technicians was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

Pupil: In other schools, pupils get a choice of computers to use. Teacher: You get a choice her, too. Use the one we've got or don't use any at all.

Redmond, WA -Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.

Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well then, look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." " ... ... Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." " ... ... Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming i n from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power ... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.""Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.""Really? Is it that bad?""Yes, Im afraid it is.""Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?""Tell them youre too stupid to own a computer."

Student: "Would it be possible to install Arabic language support on those computers?" Computer Teacher: "In order to use Arabic language in Windows, you must install an Arabic graphic card. So I don't think we could do that."

Teacher: Look at the state of the school computer. I want that screen cleaned so I can see my face in it! Pupil: But then it will crack and we won't be able to use it at all.

Teacher: Shall I put the school computer on? Pupil: No, Miss, the dress you're wearing looks fine.

Tech Support: "How may I help you today, sir?" Customer: "Hello ... hey, er ... I think I've got the wrong software installed in my computer." Tech Support: "Why is that, sir?" Customer: "I bought this minitower system from you, and it came loaded with software called the 'XYZ Desktop'." Tech Support: "Yes ... ?" Customer: "Shouldn't it be called the 'XYZ Minitower'? I OBVIOUSLY have the wrong software installed in this computer."

Tech Support: "Which format are the images you send?" Customer: "Rectangular, 15x11 centimetres."

Technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.

The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air. The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!" The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

The problem with physicists is that they tend to cheat in order to get results. The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy problems in order to get results. The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy problems in order to get results.

The programmer to his son: "Here, I brought you a new basketball." "Thank you, daddy, but where is the user's guide?"

The Three Laws of Secure Computing 1) Don't buy a computer. 2) If you do buy a computer, don't plug it in. 3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, 'Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

They say that the new super computer knows everything. A sceptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?" The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan." The sceptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years." "No", replied the super computer immediately. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."

This computer you charged me L950 for doesn't work ... .and you said it would be trouble free. It is, I charged you L950 for the computer, but you're getting all that trouble absolutely free!

This customer comes into the computer store. "I'm looking for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging." "Well," replied the clerk, Have you tried Windows 98?"

This little computer, said the sales clerk, will do half of your job for you." Studying the machine," the senior VP said, "Fine, I'll take two."

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying: "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?" "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling." "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked. Why did you do that?" "Not to worry," the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen! He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season, says the truck driver. Well, sure, says the patrolman. But you can't bait 'em!"

To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer.

Want to buy a pocket computer? No, thanks, I already know how many pockets I've got.

Webster's Dictionary definition of Windows 95 Windows95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider? "Life is like a box of chocolates ... " (Source: F. Gump of Intel)

What creature has the best aptitude for engineering? The spider - It has its own website.

What did Bill Gate's wife say to him on their wedding night? No wonder you called the company Microsoft

What did one keyboard say to the other keyboard? Sorry, you're not my type.

What did one mouse say to the other mouse? I get a click out of you.

What did the mouse say to the webcam? Cheese.

What do computer experts do at weekends? Go for a disk drive.

What do computers eat when they get hungry? Chips.

What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium? Successive approximations.

What do you do if your computer hums? Tell it to change its socsks!

What do you get if you cross a computer with a ballet dancer? The Netcracker suite.

What do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger? A big mac.

What do you get if you cross a constable with a computer? PC Plod.

What do you get if you stuff your computer's disk drive with herbs? A thyme machine.

What do you get if you take your computer to an ice rink? A slipped disk.

What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant? A mad scientist.

What does a proud computer call his little son? A microchip off the old block.

What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk.

What happens if you cross a midget and a computer? You get a short circut.

What is a computer virus? A terminal illness.

What is an astronaut's favourite key on a computer keyboard? The space bar.

What is the difference between Windows 95 and Windows 98? 3 years

What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on Pentiums? The warning label.

What's the best way to accelerate a Mac? 9.81 m/s2

What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman? The car salesman can probably drive!

What's the difference between Windows 95 and a virus? A virus does something.

What's the difference between your finger and a hammer? I don't know! Well, you're not using my computer keyboard then!

When do computers go to sleep? When it's internight.

Where does an elephant carry its laptop? In its trunk.

Where is the best place to buy computer software? Washington C.D

Which football team to you need to connect up your computer? Leeds.

Which kind of ink do you put in your computer's printer? Black, Red or Iced? Iced Ink? Well, yes you do, but I didn't want to mention it.

Which way did the programmer go? He went DATA way!

While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file. He said it said "File not found". I told him to do a dir. I asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed. He said, "Well it says autoexec, then there's some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat." I said type this in "type autoexec.bat". Again he got "File not found". I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed. He said, "I typed just what you told me: 'type autoexecdotbat'.

Who holds up stagecoaches and steals laptop computers? Click Turpin

Who sits on Cinderella's keyboard? Buttons.

Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis? Because it is below C level.

Why did the computer act crazy? It had a screw loose.

Why did the dish and spoon hide their computer? The cat kept fiddling with i.t.

Why did the duck stick his leg into a computer? He wanted to have webbed feet.

Why did the school bully kick the classroom computer? Someone told him he was supposed to boot up the system.

Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586? Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.

Why do computer teachers never get sick? Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up? Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat.

Would you like to buy a second-hand computer? I'm afraid not. I'm only able to type with one hand as it is.

Yeltsin, Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner he told them: I need three important people to send my message out to all the people: "Tomorrow I will destroy the earth." Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them: "I have two really bad news items for you: 1) God really exists and 2) Tomorrow He will destroy the earth." Clinton called an emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told them: "I have good news and bad news: 1) The GOOD news is that God really does exist 2) The BAD news is, tomorrow He is going to destroy the earth." Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and very happily announced: "I have two fantastic announcements: 1) I am one of the three most important people on earth 2) The Year 2000 problem is solved."

You have just received the "Kentucky Virus"! As we ain't got no programin' experience, this here Virus works on the honour system. Please delete all the files on your hard drive, and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thanks for your cooperation.

Young Judy, the editor of a trivia publication, was having trouble with her computer. So she called Prem, the computer guy, over to her desk. Prem clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what was wrong?" And he replied, "It was an ID ten T error." A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy's face. "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?" He gave her a grin ... ;-) "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No, replied Judy. Write it down," he said, and I think you'll figure it out." (She wrote ... ) I D 1 0 T"

You're spending a lot of time at that computer screen. Have you had your eyes checked? No, they've always been blue!

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