Vampire Jokes

For jokes about vampires, prepare to chuckle ...

1st vampire: How things? 2nd vampire: Terrible! Today I received a letter saying I'm overdrawn by 50 pints at the blood bank.

Did you hear about the doctor who crossed a parrot with a vampire? It bit his neck, sucked his blood, and said, 'Who's a pretty boy then?'!

Did you hear about the vampire in Camelot? He was a bite of the Round Table!

Did you hear about the vampire who died of a broken heart? He had loved in vein.

Did you hear about the vampire who got married? He proposed to his girl-fiend.

Did you hear about the vampire who had an eye for the ladies? He used to keep it in his back pocket.

Did you hear about the vampire who joined an orchestra? He stood on the roof and conducted lightning.

Did you know that Dracula wants to become a comedian? He's looking for a crypt writer.

Do you know how to catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut!

Doctor, doctor, I think I've been bitten by a vampire. Drink this glass of water. Will it make me better? No, but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.

How do vampires keep their breath smelling nice? They use extractor fangs.

How do you join a Vampire Fan Club? Send your name, address and blood group.

How does a girl vampire flirt? She bats her eyes.

How does a vampire clean his house? With a victim cleaner.

How does a vampire enter his house? Through the bat flap.

How does a vampire get through life with only one fang? He has to grin and bare it.

How does Dracula keep fit? He plays batminton.

How does Dracula like to have his food served? In bite-sized pieces.

MUMMY VAMPIRE: Jimmy, hurry up and drink your soup before it clots.

One vampire to the other : " Let's go and have a drink.I know a cosy little mortuary just round the corner"!

Two men were having a drink together. One said, "I'd rather live with a vampire than with my wife." "Why's that?" asked the other. "Because she's always trying to bite my head off," he replied.

What did the vampire do to stop his son biting his nails? He cut all his fingers off!

What do vampire footballers have at half-time? Blood oranges.

What do vampires cross the sea in? Blood vessels.

What do vampires have at eleven o'clock every day? A coffin break.

What do vampires make sandwiches out of? Self-raising dead.

What do you call a vampire after it is one-year-old? A two-year-old vampire.

What do you call a vampire in a raincoat? Mack-u-la!

What do you call a vampire junkie? Count Drugula.

What do you call a vampire that can lift up cars? Jack-u-la!

What do you get if you cross a vampire and a circus entertainer? Something that goes straight for the juggler!

What do you get if you cross a vampire and a mummy? Something you wouldn't want to unwrap!

What do you get if you cross a vampire with a snail? I don't know but it would slow him down.

What do you get if you cross Dracula with a snail? The world's slowest vampire.

What do you get if you cross Dracula with AI Capone? A fangster.

What do you get if you cross Dracula with Sir Lancelot? A bite in shining armor.

What do you think of Dracula films? Fangtastic!

What does a vampire stand on after taking a shower? A bat mat.

What does a vampire take for a cold? Coffin syrup!

What does Dracula say to his victims? It's been nice gnawing you.

What does Dracula say when you tell him a new fact? Well, fangcy that!

What does Mrs Dracula say to Mr Dracula when he leaves for work in the evening? Have a nice bite!

What happened to the two mad vampires? They both went a little batty.

What happened when a doctor crossed a parrot with a vampire? It bit his neck, sucked his blood and said, Who's a pretty boy then?"

What has webbed feet and fangs? Count Quackula.

What is a vampire's favourite sport? Batminton.

What is a vampire's favourite soup? Scream of mushroom!

What is Dracula's favourite fruit? Neck-tarines.

What is Dracula's favourite pudding? Leeches and scream.

What is the American national day for vampires? Fangsgiving Day.

What is the best way to talk to a vampire? By long distance.

What is the first thing that vampires learn at school? The alphabat.

What is the vampire's favourite slogan? Please Give Blood Generously.

What kind of medicine does Dracula take for a cold? Coffin medicine.

What kind of typewriters do vampires like? Blood type-writers.

What should you do if a vampire borrows your comic? Wait for him to give it back.

What type of people do vampires like? Type O positive people.

What's a vampire's favourite drink? A Bloody Mary.

What's a vampire's favourite hobby? In-grave-ing.

What's Dracula's car called? A mobile blood unit.

What's it called when a vampire kisses you goodnight? Necking.

What's pink, lives in a sty and drinks blood? A hampire.

When do vampires bite you? On Wincedays.

When he's out driving, where does Dracula like to stop and eat? The Happy Biter.

When the picture of the vampire's grandmother crashed to the floor in the middle of the night what did it mean? That the nail had come out of the wall.

Where did vampires go to first in America? New-fang-land.

Where is Dracula's American office? The Vampire State Building.

Which flavour ice cream is Dracula's favourite? Vein-illa.

Which vampire ate the three bears' porridge? Ghouldilocks.

Which vampire tried to eat James Bond? Ghouldfinger.

Who is a vampire likely to fall in love with? The girl necks door.

Who plays centre forward for the vampire football team? The ghoulscorer.

Why are vampire families so close? Because blood is thicker than water.

Why did Dracula go to the orthodontist? He wanted to improve his bite.

Why did Dracula miss lunch? Because he didn't fancy the stake.

Why did the vampire attack the clown? He wanted the circus to be in his blood.

Why did the vampire enjoy ballroom dancing? He could really get into the vaultz.