Monster Jokes
For jokes about monsters, prepare to chuckle ...
1st Monster: What is that son of yours doing these days? 2nd Monster: He's at medical school. 1st Monster: Oh, what's he studying? 2nd Monster: Nothing, they're studying him!
A monster walked into the council rent office with a £5 note stuck in one ear and a £10 note in the other. You see, he was £15 in arrears.
A very tall monster with several arms and legs, all of different lengths, went into a tailor's shop. 'I'd like to see a suit that will fit me,' he told the tailor. 'So would I, sir,' said the tailor. 'So would I.
An enormous monster with eight arms and eleven legs walked into a tailors shop. 'Quick!' shouted the tailor to his assistant. 'Hide the "Free Alterations" sign!
Boy: Did you know you can get fur from a three headed mountain monster? Girl: Really? What kind of fur? Boy: As fur away as possible!
Could you kill a monster just by throwing eggs at him? Of course - he'd be eggs-terminated.
Did you hear about the Irish monster who went to night school to learn to read in the dark?
Did you hear about the monster who had an extra pair of hands? Where did he keep them? In a handbag.
Did you hear about the monster who had an extra pair of hands? Where did he keep them? In a handbag.mons
Did you hear about the monster who had twelve arms and no legs? He was all fingers and thumbs.
Did you hear about the monster who lost all his hair in the war? He lost it in a hair raid.
Did you hear about the monster who sent his picture to a lonely hearts club? They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely!
Did you hear about the monster who went to a holiday camp? He won the ugly mug and knobbly knees competition and he wasn't even entered.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
Did you hear about the monster with one eye at the back of his head, and one at the front? He was terribly moody because he couldn't see eye to eye with himself.
Did you hear the joke about the two monsters who crashed? They fell off a cliff, boom, boom.
Dr Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It's a new pill consisting of 50 per cent glue and 50 per cent aspirin. Igor: But what's it for? Dr Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
FIRST HUMAN BOY: I can lift a monster with one hand. SECOND HUMAN BOY: Bet you can't! FIRST HUMAN BOY: Find me a monster with one hand and I'll prove it.
FIRST MONSTER: Am I late for dinner? SECOND MONSTER: Yes, everyone's been eaten.
FIRST MONSTER: I fancy eating the city of Hong Kong tonight. Care to join me? SECOND MONSTER: No thanks, I can't stand Chinese food.
First monster: I have a hunch. Second monster: I thought you were a funny shape.
FIRST MONSTER: I'm going to a party tonight. SECOND MONSTER: Oh, are you? FIRST MONSTER: Yes, I must go to the graveyard and dig out a few old friends.
First Monster: I'm so thirsty my tongue's hanging out. Second Monster: Oh. I thought that was your necktie!
First monster: That pretty girl over there just rolled her eyes at me. Second monster: Well you'd better roll them back to her, she might need them.
Frankenstein was sitting in his cell when suddenly through the wall came the ghost of his monster, with a rope round his neck. Frankenstein said, "Monster, monster, what are you doing here?" The monster said, "Well, boss, they hanged me this morning so now I've come to meet my maker."
Frankenstein: Help, I've got a short circuit! Igor: Don't worry, I'll lengthen it.
FRED MONSTER: My sister must be twenty. I counted the rings under her eyes. BERT MONSTER: That's nothing. My sister's tongue is so long, she can lick an envelope after she's posted it.
FRED: Your monster was making a terrible noise last night. BERT: Yes - ever since he ate Madonna, he thinks he can sing.
Girl Monster 1: "I hear you've met the perfect guy." Girl Monster 2: "Oh yes, he's a bad dream come true!"
Here's a good book,' said the sales assistant in the book shop to Mrs Monster. 'How To Help Your Husband Get Ahead.' 'No, thank you,' said Mrs Monster. 'My husband's got two heads already. . .
How can you tell if a monster has a glass eye? Because it comes out in conversation
How can you tell if a monster has a glass eye? When it comes out in conversation.
How did Dr Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster? On a piece rate.
How did Frankenstein's monster eat his lunch? He bolted it down.
How did the monster cure his sore throat? He spent all day gargoyling.
How did the world's tallest monster become short overnight? Someone stole all his money.
How do man-eating monsters count to a thousand? On their warts.
How do you address a monster? Very politely.
How do you communicate with the Loch Ness Monster at 20,000 fathoms? Drop him a line.
How do you stop a monster digging up your garden? Take his spade away.
How do you stop a monster from smelling? Cut off his nose.
How do you tell a good monster from a bad one? If it's a good one you will be able to talk about it later!
How does a monster begin a fairy tale? "Once upon a slime . . ."
How does Frankenstein sit in his chair? Bolt upright.
HWhy did the monster lie on his back? To trip up low-flying aircraft.
If storks bring human babies, what bring monster babies? Cranes.
Igor: Only this morning Dr Frankenstein completed another amazing operation. He crossed an ostrich with a centipede. DraculAnd what did he get? Igor: We don't know - we haven't managed to catch it yet.
Little monster: Mom I've finished. Can I leave the table? Mommy monster: Yes, I'll save it for your tea.
Little monster: Mom, I've finished. Can I leave the table? Mommy monster: Yes, I'll save it for your supper.
Little monster: Mom, Mom, what's for tea? Mother monster: Shut up and get back in the microwave.
Little monster: Mom, why can't we have dustbins like everyone else? Mother monster: Less talking, more eating please.
Mommy monster: Don't eat that uranium. Little monster: Why not? Mommy monster: You'll get atomic-ache.
MONSTER MOTHER: How many times have I told you not to eat with your fingers? Use the spade like everyone else.
Monster: Someone told me Dr Frankenstein invented the safety match. Igor: Yes, that was one of his most striking achievements.
Monster: Where do fleas go in winter? Werewolf: Search me!
Mr Monster: Oi, hurry up with my supper. Mrs Monster: Oh, do be quiet I've only got three pairs of hands.
MRS MONSTER TO MR MONSTER: Try to be nice to my mother when she visits us this weekend, dear. Fall down when she hits you.
On her annual visit to another planet, an old lady turns to the cabin steward and says. "I hope this spaceship doesn't travel faster than sound. "Why?" replies the cabin steward. "Because my friend and I want to talk, that's why."
On which day do monsters eat people? Chewsday.
The monster spent a fortune on deodorants before he found out that people didn't like him anyway.
Waiter on ocean liner: Would you like the menu, sir? Monster: No thanks, just bring me the passenger list.
What aftershave do monsters wear? Brute.
What brings the monster's babies? The Frankenstork.
What can a monster do that you can't do? Count up to 25 on his fingers.
What did Dr Frankenstein get when he put his goldfish's brain in the body of his dog? I don't know, but it is great at chasing submarines.
What did Frankenstein's monster say when he was struck by lightning? Thanks, I needed that.
What did one of Frankenstein's ears say to the other? I didn't know we lived on the same block.
What did the big, hairy monster do when he lost a hand? He went to the second-hand shop.
What did the monster say to his psychiatrist? 'I feel abominable.
What did the monster say to the Thanksgiving turkey? "Pleased to eat you!"
What do sea monsters have for dinner? Fish and ships.
What do they have for lunch at Monster School? Human beans, boiled legs, pickled bunions and eyes-cream.
What do you call a clever monster? Frank Einstein.
What do you call a huge, ugly, slobbering, furry monster with cotton wool in his ears? Anything you like? he can't hear you.
What do you call a monster with a wooden head? Edward.
What do you call a monster with two wooden heads? Edward Woodward.
What do you call a mouse that can pick up a monster? Sir.
What do you do with a green monster? Put it in the sun until it ripens!
What do you get if a huge hairy monster steps on Batman and Robin? Flatman and Ribbon!
What do you get if you cross a bird with a monstrous snarl? A budgerigrrrrr!
What do you get if you cross a monster with a flea? Lots of very worried dogs.
What do you get if you cross a plum with a man eating monster? A purple people eater.
What do you get if you cross a tall green monster with a fountain pen? The Ink-credible Hulk.
What do young female monsters do at parties? They go around looking for edible bachelors!
What does a monster do when he loses his head? He calls a head hunter.
What does a monster mom say to her kids at dinnertime? Don't talk with someone in your mouth.
What does a polite monster say when he meets you for the first time? Pleased to eat you!
What does Frankenstein's monster call a screwdriver? Daddy.
What does the hungry monster get after he's eaten too much ice cream? More ice cream!
What happened to Frankenstein's monster on the road? He was stopped for speeding, fined £50 and dismantled for six months.
What happened to Frankenstein's stupid son? He had so much wax in his ears that he became a permanent contributor to Madame Tussaud's.
What happened to Ray when he met the man-eating monster? He became an ex-Ray.
What happened when Dr Frankenstein swallowed some uranium? He got atomic ache.
What happened when the monster stole a bottle of perfume? He was convicted of fragrancy.
What happens if a big hairy monster sits in front of you at the movie theatre? You miss most of the film.
What is a monster's favourite drink? Demonade.
What is a monster's favourite society? The Consumers' Association.
What kind of book did Frankenstein's monster like to read? One with a cemetery plot.
What kind of monster can sit on the end of your finger? The bogeyman.
What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine?- A wash and wear wolf
What makes an ideal present for a monster? Five pairs of gloves one for each hand.
What monster flies his kite in a rain storm? Benjamin Frankenstein
What monster plays the most April Fool's jokes? Prankenstein!
What should you call a polite, friendly, kind, good looking monster? A failure.
What should you do if a monster runs through your front door? Run through the back door.
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein's monster? HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
What would you get if you crossed a monster with a redcoat? A bigger target.
What would you get if you crossed a monster with a Thanksgiving dessert? Bumpkin pie!
What's a monsters favourite play? Romeo and Ghouliet
What's big and hairy and goes 'beep beep'? A monster in a traffic jam.
What's big and ugly and drinks out of the wrong side of the glass? A monster trying to get rid of hiccups.
What's big, heavy, furry, dangerous and has sixteen wheels? A monster on roller-skates.
What's pink and grey and wrinkly and old and belongs to Grandpa monster? - Grandma monster
What's the difference between a dim monster and a birthday candle? The candle is a thousand times brighter!
What's the difference between a monster and a mouse? A monster makes bigger holes in the skirting board.
What's the difference between Frankenstein and boiled potatoes? You can't mash Frankenstein.
What's the hardest part of making monster soup? Stirring it.
Where do space monsters live? In far distant terror-tory.
Where do you find monster snails? On the end of monsters fingers.
Where does the bride of Frankenstein have her hair done? At the ugly parlour.
Where is the monster's temple? On the side of his head.
Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly?- Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&M's
Why did Frankenstein squeeze his girlfriend to death? He had a crush on her.
Why did Frankenstein's monster give up boxing? Because he didn't want to spoil his looks.
Why did the monster drink ten liters of antifreeze? So that he didn't have to buy a winter coat.
Why did the monster dye her hair yellow? To see if blondes have more fun.
Why did the monster get a ticket at Thanksgiving dinner? He was exceeding the feed limit!
Why did the monster go into hospital? To have his ghoul-stones removed.
Why did the monster paint himself in rainbow colours? Because he wanted to hide in the crayon box.
Why did the monster put the cake in the freezer? Because he had been told to ice it.
Why did the monster stop playing with his brother? He got tired of kicking him around.
Why did the monster take a dead man for a drive in his car? Because he was a car-case.
Why did the monster take his nose apart? To see what made it run.
Why is stupid monster like a jack-o'-lantern? They both have empty heads.
Why is the monsters' football pitch wet? Because the players keep dribbling on it.
Why was the big, hairy, two-headed monster top of the class at school? Because two heads are better than one.
Why was the monster standing on his head? He was turning things over in his mind.
