Women Jokes
For jokes about women, prepare to chuckle ...
A few women were discussing diet tips. When it was mentioned that getting enough exercise and sleep were just as important as watching food intake, one woman responded with surprise that sleep was a factor. Another replied: "Of course sleep is a factor. The only time I'm not eating is when I'm sleeping!"
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure." The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." They start going up and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads, "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continue on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect. "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are about to go in when they realise that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they would be missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. On the fifth floor they find a sign that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds section with the heading "Wife Wanted." - The next day he received a hundred letters saying "You can have mine."
A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. "Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete! How much steel! You're going to have to think of another wish." The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My w ives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to figure out why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing', and know how to make them truly happy." The genie paused for a while and said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"
A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said, I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only. The man thought about his first wish and decided, "I think I want 1 million pounds transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in colour. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, and she gets mad, and he says, Now what are you mad about?" says, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. "Now what should I do?" His mother has an idea. "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone. " I was humiliated, he groaned. She insisted on washing the dishes." " What's wrong with that?" asked his mother. " We hadn't started eating yet."
A young woman with a happy, cheerful voice was working in her husband's trucking line office. She answered a phone call from a trucker asking for directions to the terminal. After a short conversation, he said he could hardly wait to meet her. "I just know you are small, blond with blue eyes, he said. No," young woman replied, I'm tall," brunette and have brown eyes." "Close enough!" said the trucker.
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."
At a family gathering, husband began teasing his wife about how she always get her way. "Honey," she said to her husband, when I get my way," that's a compromise." "What is it when I get my way?" he was quick to ask. She replied, "That's a miracle!"
Boy: Do you have fever? Girl: No, why? Boy: Cause you look hot!
Brother: What kind of sharks never eat women? Sister: Man-eating sharks.
Doctor Sawbones speaking. Oh, doctor, my girlfriend's just dislocated her jaw. Can you come over in, say, three or four weeks' time?
How do you fix a woman's watch? - It doesn't matter. There is a clock on the oven.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? - She starts her sentence with "A man once told me ... "
How many 'Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb? None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of Real Men around to do it.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months! - I don't like to interrupt her.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? - The dog. He'll shut up once you let him in.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. - Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" - I said, "Dust!"
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. This tall, tanned and built guy with jet black eyes starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. As this man approaches, the woman begins to get excited. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: Iron this."
One woman to another at a singles bar: "I'm not as optimistic about relationships as I used to be. These days, when I meet a man, I ask myself, Is this the guy I want my children to spend every other weekend with?"
What are cosmetics? Cosmetics is a woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.
What is the difference between a "Battery" and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
What's the best way to get a youthful figure? Ask a woman her age.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%. - It's called wedding cake.
Shortly after the birth of their second child, her husband offered to take her shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion. By this time, he had learned just the right things to say. "It's perfect!" he exclaimed. "It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer and slenderizes your hips." Just then, a voice from the dressing room piped up. "If there's a dress here that will do all that- I'll take ten!"
Should I have a baby after 35? No, 35 children is enough.
Smart man + Smart Woman = Romance Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage
Teacher: Who was the first woman on earth? Fred: I don't know, Sir. Teacher: Come on, Fred, it has something to do with an apple. Fred: Granny Smith?
What are the three fastest means of communication? Internet, telephone, telawoman.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
What do you call a woman who marries an old, ugly and poor man? Stupid!
What do you calll a woman that people sit on? Cher!
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you told her twice.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? - A woman that won't do what she's told.
Which is easier for a man to leave: the women or the Wine? It depends on the age.
Why are women such bad drivers? Because there is no road between the bedroom and the bathroom.
Why did God invent shopping carts? To teach women how to walk on their hind legs.
Why did the woman take a load of hay to bed? To feed her nightmare.
Why did the women cross the road? Well thats not the point what is she doing out of the kitchen?!
Why do men die before their wives? - They want to.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? - It allows them to stand closer to the sink.
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Why haven't Women landed on the Moon? - Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!
Why is a modem better than a woman? A modem doesn't mind if you talk to other modems. A modem doesn't complain if you sit and play at the computer all night. A modem will sit patiently and wait by the phone. A modem comes with an instruction manual.
Women are like computers - even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.
