Men Jokes
For jokes about men, prepare to chuckle ...
A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day. His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Her husband looked stunned. He said "What?"
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry, the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theatre followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies, you just happened to catch my eye."
A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?" "No, he answered. I'm only after one thing." As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male."
A neighbour of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will, what will? I'm making a list of people I'm gonna bite."
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.
Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.
Brian was dating Lorraine and they were very close. While they were dating he met another woman named Clearly and wanted to start dating her but felt that he should be faithful to Lorraine. So he continued to date Lorraine. One day Brian took Lorraine on a walk in the woods by the river. As they were walking near the river Lorraine fell in and was washed away. Brian softly sang, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine has gone ... "
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? It changes their blood type.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
How are men like carpet tiles? If you lay them properly the first time around, you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.
How are men like noodles? They are always in hot water, they lack taste and they need dough.
How are men like television commercials? You can't believe a word either one of them says, and they both last about 30 seconds.
How can you tell if a man is cheating on you? He has a bath more than once a month.
How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares?
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you confuse a man? You don't - they're born that way.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
How do you lose fourteen stone of fat? Dump him.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
How does a man keep his youth? By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk.
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? No one knows, it's never happened.
How many men does it take to make popcorn? Four, one to hold the pot, and three to act macho and shake the stove.
How many men does it take to mop the floor? None, it's a women's job.
How many men does it take to open a beer? - None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom? Three, if you slice them very thinly.
How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb? None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.
If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you." "But God," the man says, why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
Men are like animals: messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like bike helmets. They are handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like coffee. The best ones are rich, hot and can keep you up all night.
Men are like computers. Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
Men are like coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like department stores. Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.
Men are like government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like old car tyres. Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
Men are like pillows. Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.
Men are like placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like plastic wrap. Cheap. Clingy. And very easy to see through.
Men are like plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom
Men are like power tools. They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.
Men are like remote controls. Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.
Men are like road kill. They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
Men are like shag carpets. Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.
Men are like soap operas. They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.
Men are like vacuum cleaners. They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
Men don't get lost; they discover alternative destinations.
Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women? Women working at 900 numbers.
Now do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man', Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack." "Sounds g reat," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. Yeah," well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts, she said. It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only £46.50."
One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A neighbour lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!" To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"
QUESTION: Why are lifesavers better than men? ANSWER: They come in five flavours.
The difference between men and women A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "Stupid!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he slams into a pig in the middle of the road.
There are a lot of words you can use to describe men: strong, caring, loving. They'd be wrong, but you could still use them.
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men: "don't" and "stop".
There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman. They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die. No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children and giving in to men. All of the men started clapping.
This man says to his friend, I stopped driving 10 years ago. Now my wife drives and I just sit there and hold the wheel.
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy cooking in it," eh?" asked the second. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and ... .'"
Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her goal. The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method. The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds.
What a woman says: "This place is a mess C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!" What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'mon blah, blah, blah, blah, you and I blah, blah, blah, blah, on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah, no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah, right now!
What are the three types of men? The handsome, the caring, and the majority.
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind 2. No business.
What did God say after she made Eve? "Practice makes perfect."
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? Any place without a drive-up window.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower? A widower.
What do you call a man who marries an old, ugly and poor woman? Desperate!
What do you call a man who opens the car door for you? A chauffeur.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
What do you do if your bank account stops working? Throw the guy out of the house.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? Close the door.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift? Exchange him.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out clothes.
What does a man consider to be a seven course meal? A hot dog and a six pack.
What does it mean to come home to a man who'll give you some love and tenderness? You're in the wrong house.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women.
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What's a man idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the best way to kill a man? Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
When do men insist that women are illogical? When a woman doesn't agree with them.
Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment? A mental hospital.
Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner? In the pages of a romance novel.
Where's the safest place to hide money from a man? Under the soap
Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away? 1) Get away or I'll call the police! 2) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.
Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why are men like paper cups? They're disposable
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they're all pigs.
Why did God create a man before a women? You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
Why did God create men first? Because we learn from mistakes.
Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Why do men act like idiots? Who says they're acting?
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers? So they can find their way back to the house.
Why do men float better than women? Because they are scum.
Why do men like love at first site? It saves them a lot of time.
Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why do men prefer blondes? Men always like intellectual company
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask directions.
Why does a man only get half-hour lunch-breaks? So his boss doesn't have to retrain him.
why don't men do laundry? cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!
Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence.
Why don't women work as long and as hard as men in the office? They do it right first time.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? - Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why is it dangerous to let your man's mind wander? It's too little to be out alone.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men? No phone numbers.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in a lift with the Spice girls.
