Idiot & Fool Jokes

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

A boy went into the local department store where he saw a sign on the escalator - 'Dogs must be carried on this escalator.' The boy then spent the next tow hours looking for a dog.

A guy walking down a street one afternoon passes an old man sitting on the side of the road with a large sack. The younger guy says to the old man, "Watcha got in the sack?" The old man responds, "I got some monkeys in that there sack." The younger man asks, "If I guess how many monkeys you got in the sack, can I keep one?" The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many monkeys I got in this sack, I'll give you both of 'em!"

A man in a swimming pool was on the very top diving board. He poised, lifted his arms, and was about to dive when the attendant came running up, shouting, "Don't dive? there's no water in that pool!" "That's all right, said the man. I can't swim!"

A man went into a pet shop to buy a parrot. He was shown an especially fine one which he liked the look of, but he was puzzled by the two strings which were tied to its feet. "What are they for?" he asked the pet shop manager. "Ah well, sir," came the reply, that's a very unusual feature of this particular parrot. You see," he's a trained parrot, sir, he used to be in the circus. If you pull the string on his left foot he says 'Hello' and if you pull the string on his left foot he says 'Goodbye'." "And what happens if you pull both strings at once?" "I fall off my perch, you fool!" screeched the parrot.

A silly boy spent the afternoon with some friends, but when the time came for him to leave, a terrific storm started with thunder, lightning and torrential rain. 'You can't go home in this,' said one of his friends, ' you'd better stay the night.' 'That's very kind of you,' said the boy. ' I'll just run home and get my pyjamas.

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy ... not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.

A stupid glazier was examining a broken window. He looked at it for a while and then said, "It's worse than I thought. It's broken on both sides."

A stupid man was struggling out of his house with a big table. His neighbour said to him, "Hello, Harry. Where are you going with that then?" And Harry replied, "I'm taking it to the store to have it measured for a new tablecloth."

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?". Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

An army sergeant told Private Perkins to go to the end of the line. He did, but then returned. "I thought I told you to go to the end of the line, barked the NCO. Why did you come back?" "Because there's already somebody there!"

An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I think I know where I'm going wrong, said the idiot. I think I am planting them too deep."

An idiotic labourer was told by an equally idiotic foreman to dig a hole in the road. "And what shall I do with the earth, sir?" asked the labourer. "Don't be daft, man, he replied. Just dig another hole and bury it."

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

An Irishman saw a notice outside a police station which read: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY. So he went in and applied for the job!

And then there was the Newfie who was found dead in his jail cell with twelve bumps on his head. He'd tried to hang himself with a rubber band.

Calvin went to Pearson's Pet Shop to complain that his canary wouldn't sing. "File the beak just a little," said the owner, and the bird will sing. But if you file it too much," the canary will die." Two weeks later Pearson ran into Calvin on the street and asked about his canary. "He died, said Calvin. But I told you not to file the beak too much." "I didn't," explained Calvin, but by the time I got him out of the vise," he was already dead."

Can you read Chinese? "Yes, but only when it's printed in English."

Carmella and Mario were out on their first date. Have you ever read Shakespeare?" asked Carmella. "No," said Mario. Who wrote it?"

Chaffee could talk on any subject whether he knew anything about it or not. Mostly he didn't. One day his neighbour Nibley could stand no more. "Do you realise," asked Nibley, that you and I know all there is to be known?" "Do you really think so?" said Chaffee. "How do you figure that?" "Easy," answered Nibley. You know everything except that you're a damn idiot. And I know that!"

Delmer: How'd you like the play last night over at the high school? Parley: I only seed the first act, but not the second. Delmer: Why didn't you stay? Parley: I couldn't wait that long. It said on the program, 'Two Years Later.

Did you hear about the 25 Irish people that drowned? They were riverdancing.

Did you hear about the Baton Rouge bride who cancelled the wedding when she heard her friends were planning to give her a shower?

Did you hear about the Brooklyn bubblebrain who was two hours late for work because the escalator got stuck?

Did you hear about the dimwit who was so dumb he thought Gatorade was welfare for crocodiles?

Did you hear about the dimwit who went to visit his girlfriend and found she didn't have very much on? He went back nine months later and she had a little moron.

Did you hear about the dumb father who got up and struck a match to see if he had blown out the candle?

Did you hear about the dumb father who returned from lunch and saw a sign on his door, "Back in 30 minutes," so he sat down to wait for himself?

Did you hear about the Finn who spent a fortune building a storm cellar in case there was an earthquake.

Did you hear about the fool who keeps going round saying "no"? No. Oh, so it's you!

Did you hear about the Georgia accountant who absconded with all the accounts payable?

Did you hear about the guy from Newfoundland who was twenty-two years old before he knew which part of the olive to throw away?

Did you hear about the hillbilly who asked his friends to give him their burnt-out light bulbs. He wanted to start a dark room.

Did you hear about the hillbilly who went into the hardware store to buy a chain saw? He said I want one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day. He was back at the hardware store with the saw a couple days later complaining that it only cut one tree and that took all day. The clerk at the hardware store started the saw to see what the problem was. The hillbilly jumped back and said what the hell is that noise?

Did you hear about the idiot who filled out an employment application? In the blank labelled "Church Preference" he filled in: Red brick.

Did you hear about the idiot who invented the one-piece jigsaw puzzle?

Did you hear about the idiot who made his chickens drink boiling water? He thought they would lay hard boiled eggs.

Did you hear about the idiot who planted Cheerios in his backyard? He thought they were donut seeds.

Did you hear about the Iranian terrorist who switched off the fans of his stolen helicopter because he couldn't stand the draft?

Did you hear about the Irishman who tried to swim the English channel? Halfway across he decided he couldn't make it so he swam back.

Did you hear about the Mexican bricklayer who went crazy trying to lay a cornerstone in a roundhouse.

Did you hear about the Montana moron who went looking for a gas leak with a safety match?

Did you hear about the Murfreesboro muddlebrain whose father told him about the birds and the bees? The next day, the Tennessean was stung by a bee and thought he was pregnant.

Did you hear about the Oklahoma idiot who married an American Indian? They had a baby and wanted to name it to reflect both races. So they called it Running Dummy.

Did you hear about the Omaha mother who got tired of putting name tags on her son's shirts, so she had his name legally changed to "Machine Washable"?

Did you hear about the Puerto Rican secretary who was getting so experienced she could type twenty mistakes a minute?

Did you hear about the rookie Rhode Island cop who gave out twenty-two parking tickets before he found out he was at a drive-in movie?

Did you hear about the stupid Kamikaze pilot? He flew 57 missions!

Did you hear about the stupid photographer? He saved burned out lightbulbs for use in his darkroom.

Did you hear about the stupid water-polo player? His horse drowned . . .

Did you hear about the stupid wizard? He couldn't remember if he used to be forgetful.

Did you hear about the stupid woodworm? He was found in a brick.

Did you hear about the Texan who moved to Oklahoma and raised the IQ level of both states?

Did you hear about the village idiot buying bird seed? He said he wanted to grow some birds.

Doctor: That deafness cure help your brother? Archie: Sure did! He hadn't heard a sound in years, and the very day after he took that medicine, he heard from America!

Duayne met Patricia Ann from Birmingham at a Tus-caloosa ballroom. They danced every dance together. When the evening was over, he asked if he could see her next time he was in town. "Yes," replied Patricia Ann shyly. The young man hurriedly took out his pad and pencil and asked, What's your number?" "CApitol 4-6173." After a long embarrassed pause," Duayne asked, "How do yew make a capital 4?"

During a break on a North Dakota office building project, one of the construction workers approached Pyle. "Ah heard the boys is gonna strike, he said. What fer?" asked Pyle. "Shorter hours." "Good fer them!" said the redneck. "Ah always did think sixty minutes was too long fer an hour!"

Edney and Cole, two Ohio Edison electrical repairmen, were working on a blown house circuit. "Hey, Cole!" said Edney. "See those two wires?" "Sure, Cole answered. Now just grab one of them." Cole grabbed one of the wires. "Feel anything?" asked his partner. "Not a thing, answered Cole. Good!" said Edney. "Don't touch the other one or you'll drop dead!"

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a £127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, when someone broke in and stole my new security system ... "

Four Independence boys, Pugh, Sumter, Kilby and Grayson, were walking down a Clay County road when they came to a high, solid brick wall. Wondering what was behind it, Pugh, Sumter and Kilby boosted Grayson so he could take a look. "Looks like one of them nudist camps, reported Grayson. Men or women?" asked Pugh. "Can't tell, said Grayson. They don't have no clothes on."

Fred: Did you hear about the Irish window cleaner who put a sign at the top of his ladder? Harry: What did the sign say? Fred: Stop.

Fred: Do you think I'm a fool? Harry: No. But what's my opinion against thousands of others?

Guidry called in Plotke, the painter, for an estimate to paint his house. "How much you gonna charge me?" asked Guidry. "Twenty dollars an hour, replied Plotke. Good Lord!" exclaimed the home owner. "I wouldn't pay Michelangelo that price!" "I tell you one thing, mister, said the painter. If that guy you mentioned is doin' the job for less, he ain't no member of our union!"

Hatton: I ain't as dumb as I look! Folsom: You couldn't be!

Have you heard about the Irish abortion clinic? There's a 12-month waiting list.

He is so dumb, he thinks an agent is someone who keeps track of your age!

Henderson bought a new car and, after he left the showroom, decided to catch a movie. When he came out, Henderson noticed he'd locked the car and left the keys in the ignition. He telephoned the dealer. "Which is the cheapest window to break?" he asked. "You don't have to break any of the windows, explained the dealer. I'll come right down with another key and we can open it together." "No, no!" shouted the new car owner. "I gotta know now! It's about to rain and I wanna put the top up!"

Holton sat down in a Green Bay restaurant and said to the waitress, "Do you know whether the milk from this dairy is pasteurized?" "Sure is!" she answered. "Every morning they turn the cows out to pasture."

Hoot: How the hell can ya be so stupid? Jessie: Well, it ain't somethin' yew can pick up overnight.

Housekeeper: Professor, there's a debt collector at the door. I told him you were out. But he wouldn't believe me. Professor: No? Then I suppose I'll have to go and tell him myself.

How come you're only watering half your lawn? a perplexed tourist asked a Richmond resident. "I just heard there was a fifty percent chance of rain."

How do Alaska CB radio operators say "10-4"? "5-5-2-2."

How do Filipinos count money? One-a, two-a, three-a, four-a, another-a ...

How do you confuse an idiot? Give him two spades and ask him to take his pick.

How do you keep an imbecile happy all his life? Tell him a joke when he's a baby!

How does a Russian Aeroflot pilot navigate? By reading street signs.

How does an idiot call for his dog? He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.

How many idiots who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in a light bulb? Change it to what?

I can't understand the critics saying that only an idiot would like that television program. I really enjoyed it.

I don't know what it is that makes you stupid but whatever it is, it works.

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

I saw a pen in a store the other day. I picked it up and took a look at it cause it was prettier than most. The clerk said, "It's made in Germany". I said, "That's too bad, I can't use it then". The clerk said, "What's the matter? You don't like German pens?" I said, "No. I just never learned to write German."

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

Iraq has just ordered two thousand septic tanks from Russia. As soon as the Iraqis learn to drive them, they are going to invade Iran.

IRS Agent: What's all this? Bracken: Well, you told me to bring all my records with me and I did. Here's some by Willie Nelson, Tammy Wynette, and Garth Brooks . . .

Izzard went into a Baltimore bank to cash his check. Since he didn't have an account there, the teller asked if he could identify himself. "Sure, said Izzard. There a mirror around here?" "There's one on the wall right beside you, said the clerk. Izzard took a glance in the mirror and heaved a sigh of relief. Yep!" he said. "It's me, all right!"

Jett was trying to light a match. He struck the first one and it didn't work, so he threw it away. He struck the second match. That didn't work either, so he tossed it. Jett struck the third one and it lit up. "That's a good one!" said the idiot, blowing it out. "Ah'm gonna save it!"

Jim sees his neighbour out back building a bunker, loading in 75 gallons of bottled water, hauling in a gas generator and so on. "So, uh, I guess you believe Y2K is a biggie huh?" "Naw", says the neighbour. "Ah's jes' stockin' the bunker now, 'cuz if I did it any other time, people'd think ah's nuts."

Kennen was having a drink in a saloon when his neighbour, Stakely, came rushing in. "Ah think somebody's stealin' yore pickup truck!" the man said breathlessly. Kennan ran outside, but came back right away. "Well, did yew stop him?" asked Stakely. "Naw!" said the redneck. "He was too fast. But Ah got his license plate before he got away!"

Kowalski and Janzek left Hamtramack and went out in the woods looking for Christmas trees. They looked all day without any luck. Near nightfall Kowalski finally said, "Janzek, I'm takin' the next tree we come to, whether it has lights on it or not!"

Loomis: Does your dog have a license? Fenton: Hell, no! I do all the drivin'.

Mayne and Willard, two idiots, were in a rowboat on a lake fishing. Suddenly the spray from a motorboat racing by flooded their boat. "How we gonna get the water out?" asked Mayne. "Easy, said Willard. We just bore a hole in the bottom of the boat and let the water drain out." The men drilled a hole in the bottom, and more water started rushing in. "Wait a minute!" exclaimed Mayne. "We need another hole so's the water comin' in through the first one has a place to go back into the lake!"

Melburn was strolling along downtown Natchez with a framed picture under his arm. "Hey, what yew got there?" asked a neighbour. "I dunno much 'bout art," replied Melburn, but I just bought me an original Michelangelo for £200! It's one of the few he ever did in ballpoint!"

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

My friend is so silly that he spent two weeks in a revolving door looking for the doorknob!

My friend is so stupid he thinks that an autograph is a chart showing sales figures for cars.

My friend is so stupid that he thinks twice before saying nothing.

My neighbour works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

One idiot said to the other, "You know, there are really only three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.

Personnel Director: What would you do if you broke your arm in two places? Vanderkron: I wouldn't go to these places no more!

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

QUESTION: Why does the town idiot take his bedroom door off the hinges and put it to the sid every night when he goes to sleep? ANSWER: Because he's afraid someone would look through the keyhole.

Rigby drove into the city with his girl to catch their first play at a theatre. Rigby rushed up to the box office and said, "Gimme two tickets for tonight's show." "Sorry, said the box office attendant. There are no seats left. We have only two standing rooms left." "Well, I'll be hog tied! Only two left in standing room!" said the farm boy. "Are they together?"

Say, your house is burning. "That's okay. I got enough lumber in the attic to build a new one."

She's so stupid she thinks a shoplifter is a very strong person who goes round picking up shops.

Shingles were loose on Pennock's roof, and he complained about leaks to Barton, his neighbour. "Why don't you mend the roof?" asked Barton. "I can't today, Pennock replied. It's pouring rain." "Well, why don't you patch it in dry weather." "It don't leak then!"

Sister: Why are you putting the saddle on backward? Brother: How do you know which way I'm going?

Slim walked into his local post office and noticed a new sign on the wall: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY IN MONTANA "Gosh!" he said, "If n only that job was in Texas, Ah'd take it!"

Swedish business consultant Ulfaf Trolle laboured 11 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 175-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 25,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

Teacher: That's the stupidest boy in the whole school. Mother: That's my son. Teacher: Oh! I'm so sorry. Mother: You're sorry?

The Albanian planted lightbulbs in his garden. He heard that tulips grew from bulbs.

The July temperature in Joplin climbed over the one hundred mark. Despite the scorching heat, Bozell was outside painting his house. A passerby stopped for a moment to watch him and then asked, "How cum yer wearin' two jackets?" " 'Cause," said the redneck, the directions on the can say ta put on two coats!"

The teacher asked a Louisiana teenager to count to five. The youngster proceeded to count to five on his fingers. Then the teacher asked, "Can you count any higher?" The boy raised his hands over his head and counted to five again.

Then there was the Puerto Rican surgeon who made medical history. He performed the first appendix transplant.

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole - he would dig, dig, dig. The other would come behind him and fill the hole - fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again. A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them. He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!" The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

Titus was on a Knoxville elevator with several other people. As the elevator moved up, he stared at the small fan revolving slowly in the elevator ceiling. "It's amazing," he said to the other people, that such a small fan could lift all these people!"

Treadwell walked into a Biloxi stationery store and asked, "Have you got any invisible ink?" "Certainly sir, said the owner. What colour?"

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder. "I have an idea, said Mike. We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder." "What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light." "What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know, responded the other. I'll ask him." So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence, the boss said. What do you mean, intelligence'?" The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!" The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

Two men were knocking in nails to the sides of a house, one of them kept throwing them away. "Why do you keep throwing nails away" said the other. "Because they have the point at the wrong end", he replied "You fool, we could use those on the other side of the house!"

Two newfies walked into a pet store. The first says "I want four budgies." Salesman-certainly sir, would you like two male and two female or all male or all female? Newfie-I don't care. I just want 4 budgies! Salesman-certainly sir, what colour would you like? We have yellow, blue, gr ... Newfie - I don't care what colour they are, just put four budgies in a box for me. Is that too hard? Salesman - O.K. O.K. The two newfies pay for the budgies and leave. They drive out to this high cliff in Newfoundland and the first newfie reaches in the box and pulls out two of the birds, grasps them firmly and jumps off the cliff while flapping his arms. Of course he SPLATS at the bottom. The second newfie looks down at his friend's twisted remains and says "What a shame. this budgie jumping isn't all it's cracked up to be!"

Tyfus applied for a job in a factory. The company doctor who was giving him a physical asked, "Have your eyes ever been checked?" "No, said the worker. They've always been brown."

What did Shawn like most about his trip to Paris? "He said it was lovely to hear the French pheasants singing the Mayonnaise."

What did the idiot do to the flea in his ear? Shot it!

What did the stupid ghost do? He used to climb over walls.

What do Filipinos call Canada? Upper U.S.

What do stupid kids do at Halloween? They carve a face on an apple and go bobbing for pumpkins.

What do you call a stupid skeleton? Bonehead.

What do you call an alien starship that drips water? A crying saucer.

What do you get when you cross an idiot with a watch? A cuckoo clock.

What has eight legs and an IQ of forty? Four guys watching a baseball game.

When a small Montana village decided to buy a new fire truck, the town council met to decide what to do with the old one. Randall, an old rancher, stood up. "Ah think we should keep the old truck, he said. We can use it for all them false alarms!"

Why are Canadians given only a half hour for lunch? They don't want to have to retrain them.

Why can't the Philippines field an ice hockey team? The players all drowned in spring training.

Why did Rudolfo salute the box of Cornflakes in the supermarket? Because the label said General Foods.

Why did Silly Sue throw her guitar away? Because it had a hole in the middle.

Why did the Aggie call 911 in the car wash? - He thought he saw the rotating car washer as a tornado

Why did the idiot drive his pickup truck over the side of the cliff? He wanted to try out his new air brakes.

Why did the idiot have his sundial floodlit? So he could tell the time at night!

Why did the idiot plant nickels in his garden? He wanted to raise some hard cash.

Why did the stupid boy wear a turtle neck sweater? To hide his flea collar.

Why do rednecks act like such morons?' Who says they're acting?"

Wyatt, Milford and Calhoun were standing one on top of the other trying to measure a flag pole. A man passing by yelled up to them, "Why don't you guys just take down the pole, lay it down on the ground and measure it?" "We don't wanna measure the length, mister!" Wyatt sneered. "We wanna measure the height!"

Young Bradley arrived at his date's house wearing a shirt that had water dripping from it. "What're you doin'?" asked his girlfriend. "How come your shirt is soakin' wet?" "Well," said Bradley, it said on the label: WASH AND WEAR."

Zack and Tybe, two Alabama farm boys, bought themselves a truckload of watermelons for a buck apiece. They sold each one for a dollar. After counting up their cash, they realised they'd wound up with the same amount of money they'd started out with. "See!" said Tybe. "Ah told yew we shoulda got a bigger truck!"

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