Hair & Balding Jokes

For jokes about hair and balding, prepare to chuckle ...

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room." She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that. The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

A guy admired the hair of three girls. He walked by one and asked, "How'd you get such lovely blonde hair" Taking her hand and gently running it through her hair, the girl answered, "It's natural." The guy walked by the second girl and asked, "How'd you get such pretty brown hair?" Fluffing her hair, the second girl said, "It's natural." Finally the guy approached the third girl and asked, "How'd you get such cool green hair?" Taking her hand and rubbing it up past her nose, then skimming it through the hair, she said, "It's natural."

A guy walks in to the Barbershop. Barber says, "What will it be today?" Guy says, "well I want it going with my waves on top, faded on one side, plug the other, and just make it all out of shape and messed up." Barber says, "Now why in the world do you want your hair cut like that." Guy says, "That's how you cut it last time"

A little girl climbed into her grandfather's lap and studied his white, balding head. She ran her fingers along the deep wrinkles and road mapped his face and neck. "Did god make you?", she asked. "yes" he answered. "did god make me, to?" she wondered. "yes", he replied. "well, she shrugged, "don't you think he's doing a better job now than he used to?"

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade, he said. I'll be back in a few minutes." When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy, said the boy. He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing, says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem, says the barber. Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

A man sitting in a barber's chair noticed that the barber's hands were very dirty. When he commented on this, the barber explained, "Yes, sir, no one's been in for a shampoo yet."

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." "That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodelling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally me et some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me." "Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?"

A punk walked into a barber's shop and sat in an empty chair. "Haircut, sir?" asked the barber. "No, just change the oil, please!"

A woman was cutting her husband's thinning hair, when their teenage son arrived home looking for a snack. She ofered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt him with its nutritious qualities. "It has more vitamin C than an orange, she remarked. And more hair than Dad," added their son.

After accepting an invitation to dance with a rather prematurely balding man a young woman wants to lighten the mood and says, "Honey, God was good to you, gave you a handsome face and room for another one."

America's oldest lady was 115 years old today, and she hasn't got a grey hair on her head. How come? She's completely bald.

Barber: And how old are you, little man? Fred: Eight. Barber: And do you want a haircut? Fred: Well, I certainly didn't come in for a shave!

Barber: Were you wearing a red scarf when you came in? Customer: No. Barber: Oh dear! Then I must have cut your throat.

Barber: Your hair is getting grey, Sir. Customer: I'm not surprised - hurry up, will you?

Customer: Couldn't you see I was going bald? Barber: No, the shine from your head blinded me.

Customer: Why did you take off so much hair? Barber: I didn't, nature beat me to it.

Customer: Why doesn't my hairline look good? Barber: It's on the same old head.

Customer: Why is my hairline receding? Barber: It's not. Your scalp is advancing.

Doctor, Doctor my hair keeps falling out, can you give me anything to keep it in? Yes, here is a paper bag!

Doctor, doctor, can you give me something for my baldness? How about a few pounds of pig manure? Will that cure my baldness? No, but with that on your head no one will come near enough to notice you're bald.

First boy: My dad saw a horrible witch and didn't turn a hair! Second boy: I'm not surprised - your dad's bald!

For what person do all men take off their hats? The barber.

Fred: Betty has lovely long red hair all down her back. Harry: Pity it's not on her head!

How can you avoid falling hair? Get out of the way.

How does a barber make phone calls? He cuts them short.

How much for a haircut? Barber: £15. How much for a shave? Barber:£10. Right - shave my head.

I had a dream you were a tire last night. I woke up and you were bald.

I want a hair cut please. Certainly, which one!

If the Pilgrims came over on the Mayflower, how did the barbers arrive? On clipper ships.

Is that your face or are you wearing your hair back to front today?

Janet came home from school and asked her mother if the aerosol spray in the kitchen was hair lacquer. "No, said Mom. It's glue." "I thought so, said Janet. I wondered why I couldn't get my hat off today."

Karen: Have you noticed that Daddy is getting taller? Sharon: No, why? Karen: His head is sticking through his hair.

Knock Knock! Who's there? Barber! Barber who? Barberd wire!

Look at that bald man over there. It's the first time I've seen a parting with ears.

My barber is a specialist in road map shaves. How come? When he's finished, your face is full of short cuts.

Peg-Leg Baldy A bald man with a peg leg gets invited to a costume party. Being shy and self-conscious about his appearance, he goes to the best costume shop in town. When he gets there, he tells the shop owner his situation and that he would rather cover his head and leg with a costume instead instead of exploiting his apparent problems. So, the shop owner comes back with a lifeguard costume. The man says, "No, no. That will show off my peg leg. I can't hide it with that. Try again." So the shop owner leaves and comes back with a monk costume And again the man says, "No, no. I can't wear that. It will make people notice my head." Obviously pissed off, the shop owner leaves and comes back with a five-pound bag of caramels, gives it to the man and says, "Here. Just take this." Confused, the man says, "What am I suposed to do with a bag of caramels?" Smiling, the shop owner says, "Take home this bag of caramels, melt them, pour it all over your body, stick that peg leg up your ass and tell everyone you're a caramel apple."

Teacher: I see you don't cut your hair any longer. Fred: No sir, I cut it shorter.

The Sunday School teacher asked if any of the children's parents had quoted from the Bible in the past week. Little Timmy paused, but then spoke up, "My daddy doesn't have any hair on his head. Daddy says that God put hair on everything that he was ashamed of."

There are three ways a man wears his hair - parted- unparted or departed

Two mates at a pub having a beer when the bald one starts complaining about being bald. the other guy says to have a transplant operation. The bald guy says he can't afford it.so his mate says to go and have some rabbits tattooed on his head. The bald guy says how will that help? His mate says well from a distance they will look like hares.(hairs)

What do you call a high-priced barber shop? A clip joint.

What do you call a pen with no hair? A bald point!

What do you call a policeman with blonde hair? A fair cop!

What do you call a proton with big hair? A 'froton.

What do you call an English teacher, five feet tall, covered from head to toe in boils and totally bald? Sir!

What do you get if you cross a hairdresser and a bucket of cement? Permanent waves!

What do you get if you cross a hairdresser with a werewolf? A monster with an all-over perm.

What do you get if you cross a wireless with a hairdresser? Radio waves!

What kind of hair do oceans have? Wavy!

What should you buy if your hair falls out? A good vacuum cleaner!

What side of a monster has more hair? The outside!

What's a barber's favourite kind of holiday? Cruising on a clipper.