Music Jokes

For jokes about music, prepare to chuckle ...

1st man: "My neighbours were screaming and yelling at three o'clock this morning!" 2nd man: "Did they wake you?" 1st man: "Nah ... .I was up playing my bagpipes."

A down and out musician was playing his harmonica in the middle of a busy shopping mall. Striding over, a policeman asked, "May I please see your permit?" I don't have one, confessed the musician. In that case, you'll have to accompany me." "Splendid!" exclaimed the musician. "What shall we sing?"

A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that he is dead. The musician calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from receptionist. She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to hear you say it."

A saxophone is like a lawsuit. Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

A tourist is sightseeing in a European city. She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins reading the commerative plaque, only to be distracted by a low scratching noise, as if something was rubbing against a piece of paper. She collars a passing native and asks what the scratching sound is. The local person replies, "Oh, that is Beethoven. He's decomposing."

A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship together. "Help!" cried the cellist, "I can't swim!" "Don't worry," said the violist, just fake it."

A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down." The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"

An eight-year-old kid says t his dad, "When I grow up, I want to be a musician." The dad says, "I am sorry - can't have it both ways."

Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please. Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure numbers.

Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage? Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.

Did you hear about the classical pianist who was not a good speller? When she went out to buy something she left a sign on her door that said: "Out Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet"

Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car? It took him four hours to get the bass player out.

Do you think, Professor, that my wife should take up the piano as a career? No, I think she should put down the lid as a favour.

Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music, Kriesler got lost and turned around to ask Rachmaninov, "Where are we?" Rachmaninov said, "Carnegie Hall, sir!"

Haven't I seen your face before? a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. "You have, Your Honour, the man answered hopefully. I gave your son violin lessons last winter." "Ah, yes, recalled the judge. Twenty years!"

Hey buddy. How late does the band play? About half a beat behind the drummer.

How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch? He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? The bow is moving.

How can you tell someone is a true music lover? When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.

How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs? By their names.

How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid? When the other tenors notice.

How do know a clarinet player is playing loud? You can almost hear them.

How do you fix a broken tuba? With a "tuba glue."

How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison? Shoot one.

How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo? Write 'pp, espressivo'.

How do you get a clarinet player to play louder? You can't!

How do you get a viola section to play spiccato? Write a whole note with "solo" above it.

How do you know if there is a drummer at your door? The knocking always speeds up.

How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door? The doorbell shrieks!

How do you make a bandstand? Take away their chairs

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola? Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola? Sit in the back and don't play.

How do you protect a valuable instrument? Hide it in an accordion case.

How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door? He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

How is a heart like a musician? They both have a beat : )

How is lightning like a violist's fingers? Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? Six. One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.

How many bassoonists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but they'll insist on going through about 5 bulbs before they find one that suits this particular room and situation.

How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They have a machine that does that now.

How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb? Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.

How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better.

How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus? The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? The out-of-tune sax player! You were hallucinating the other two.

Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page, he said. What shall I write?" Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint, "Write your repertoire."

Knock Knock! Who's there? Bach! Bach who? Bach to work!

Knock Knock! Who's there? Bass! Bass who? Bass the salt and pepper please!

Knock Knock! Who's there? Bassoon! Bassoon who? Bassoon things will be better!

Knock Knock! Who's there? Beethoven! Beethoven who? Beethoven is too hot!

Mom, why do you always stand by the window when I practice for my singing lessons? I don't want the neighbours to think I'm employing corporal punishment, dear.

One day the bass player hid one of the drummer's sticks. The drummer said, "finally! After being a drummer for so long, now I am a conductor!"

Person 1: It must be terrible for an opera singer to realise that he can never sing again. Person 2: Yes, but it's much more terrible if he doesn't realise it.

There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this? The frog's probably on its way to a gig.

Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.

Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the next day. Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?" Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favourite piece, tomorrow night! Abe says, "So what's the bad news?" Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"

What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test? Drool.

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

What do lead trumpet players use for birth control? Their personality.

What do you call a male quartet? Three men and a tenor.

What do you call a mammoth who conducts an orchestra? Tuskanini.

What do you call a person who plays the viola? A violator.

What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories? Violists.

What do you do with percussionists that lose one of their drumsticks? Stick them up front of the group and tell them to wave their arms!

What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins? A pair of Re-bachs.

What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding? Bach in the saddle again.

What do you get if you cross a lamp with a violin? You get light music.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.

What do you get when you play a new age song backwards? A new age song.

What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? Will the defendant please rise.

What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away? Root position cords.

What happens if you sing country music backwards? You get your job and your wife back.

What is musical and handy in the supermarket. A Chopin Lizst.

What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto? Music Minus One.

What is the definition of a major seventh? A violist playing octaves.

What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet? A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!

What is the definition of an optimist? An accordion player with a pager.

What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? A chain saw has a dynamic range.

What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw? One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.

What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor? You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.

What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun? An Uzi only repeats 40 times.

What is the difference between a cello and a coffin? The coffin has the corpse on the inside.

What is the difference between a dog and a viola? The dog knows when to stop scratching.

What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax? You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbours don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.

What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw? It's all in the grip.

What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet? A trombone will bend before it breaks.

What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.

What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline? You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.

What is the difference between a violin and a viola? A viola burns longer.

What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist? Terrorists have sympathizers.

What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor? About 10 pounds.

What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section? Half a measure.

What is the missing link between the bass and the ape? The baritone.

What is the range of a tuba? Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.

What will you never say about a banjo player? That's the banjo player's porsche.

What's an accordion good for? Learning how to fold a map.

What's musical and handy in a supermarket? A Chopin Liszt.

What's musical and holds gallons and gallons of beer? A barrel organ.

What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!

What's the definition of a nerd? Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.

What's the definition of a quarter tone? A bagpiper tuning his drones.

What's the definition of perfect pitch? When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion? A chainsaw can be tuned.

What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road? The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe? You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbours are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone? A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker? A dressmaker tucks up frills.

What's the difference between an onion and an accordion? No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.

What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones? "I didn't wake up this morning ... "

What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper? Good question. We're still trying to find out too.

What's the range of an accordion? Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!

When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story building, which one hits the pavement first? Who cares!

When a young hotshot conductor was making his debut at the Met, he showed the jaded and sceptical orchestra how well he knew the music by singing all parts of the Lucia sextet during rehearsal. Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to the other, impressed, "Well, this kid really knows his stuff!" The other replied, "I don't think he is so hot. Did you notice how flat his high E was at the end?"

When is the water in the shower room musical? When it's piping hot.

Which positions does a violist use? First, third, and emergency.

Why are conductors' hearts popular for transplants? They've had little use.

Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long? So the violists don't need to be retrained.

Why are violas so large? It is an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large, just that the viola player's heads are so small.

Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording? Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one.

Why did the boy bring a ladder to chorus? He wanted to sing higher!

Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo? They make good paddles.

Why did the boy who rode his bike over a barbed wire fence miss his music lesson? Because he'd already done the sharps and flats.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bagpipe recital.

Why did the music student have a piano in the bathroom? Because he was practicing Handel's Water Music.

Why did they arrest the musician? He got into treble.

Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards? So they can park in handicapped zones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play? To get away from the noise.

Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room? They never know when to come in.

Why do so many fishermen own banjos? They make great anchors!

Why does a viola burn longer than a violin? It is usually still in the case.