Criminal Jokes
For jokes about crime and criminals, prepare to chuckle ...
A boy is in a prison cell with no windows and no doors: there are no holes in the ceiling or trapdoors in the floor, yet in the morning the jailers find him gone. How did he get out? Through the doorway - there were no doors remember!
A computer geek goes to prison for fraud, they put him in a cell with a 300LB guy, Having heard what happens to geeks in prison and being nervous he figures he had better introduce himself, He extends his hand and says with a quivering voice, Hi my name is John Smith. The big guy who actually is a nice guy extends his and says my name is Turner Brown. The geek passes out. The big guy fans him and brings him too. Why did you pass out he asked? The geek replies, what did you say your name was? Turner Brown he replies. Oh God the geek says I thought you said "TURN AROUND".
A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new ... " He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new ... " He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away. He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again ... "
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. "Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. "Yes, replied the murderer. Will you hold my hand?"
A police officer was escorting a prisoner to jail when his hat blew off. "Shall I run and get it for you?" asked the prisoner obligingly. "You must think I'm daft, said the officer. You stand here and I'll get it."
A prisoner started training a large fly to do tricks. For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from Phantom of the Opera. When you and I get out of here, the jailbird said to the fly, "We're going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune." Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate. At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking. "What about this fly, eh?" he said to the bartender. In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe. "Glad you saw it, muttered the bartender. Blasted things are everywhere."
A rapist, a gangster and a murderer are in the same car ... Who is driving the car? A police officer!
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewellery store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch," and we forget about this?" The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"
A stupid bank robber rushed into a bank, pointed two fingers at the clerk and said, "This is a muck up!" "Don't you mean a stick up?" asked the girl. "No," said the robber, it's a muckup. I've forgotten my gun."
A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night. "There's a burglar downstairs eating the cake that I made this morning." "Who shall I call," her husband asked, police or ambulance?"
An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, Englander,"your arm is infected with gangrene vee must cut it off." The English prisoner said, "Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing?" The German replied, "Ya, that vill not be a problem." A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, "Well, could drop it over England like you did last time?" "Ya, that vill be done," says the German. The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once again the Brit says, Well," could you do the same as before?" The German replies, "Vhy, ya." The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. "Well," begins the Brit, could you just ... " The German snapped ," "No! We think you are trying to escape!"
Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Joe? Joe: I won it in a race. Bill: How many people participated in it? Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!
Criminal: Why don't you hire these twins for the robbery, boss? Criminal Boss: I'm afraid of a double-cross.
Dad, said Fred to his father, who was a bank robber. I need £50 for the school trip tomorrow." "OK," son," said his dad, I'll get you the cash when the bank closes."
Detective: Do you think I should put on the cuffs? Criminal: Why? You look good in short sleeves.
Detective: How did you get into counterfeiting? Criminal: I answered an ad that said, "Make money at home."
Detective: Why did you dump those vegetables on my desk? Criminal: You said it was time to spill the beans.
Did you hear about the burglar who fell in the cement mixer? Now he's a hardened criminal.
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered!
Fred: We had a burglary last night, and they took everything except the soap and towels. Harry: The dirty crooks.
How do bank robbers send messages? By flee mail!
I think I hear burglars, dear. Are you awake? No!
If you crossed a gangster and a garbage man, what would you have? Organised grime (crime).
It was Rocky's first night in the penitentiary. All of the inmates were in their cells and he was trying to become a bit more comfortable with his meager surroundings. As he leaned against the bars at the front of his cell, Rocky heard a voice call out "44" and the whole cell block erupted into laughter! Another voice called "16" and again there was laughter. A third voice called "62" which was followed by laughter throughout the block. Rocky didn't know what was going on so he rapped on his cell wall. "Yeah, whaddaya want?" came the gruff reply from next door. "What's going on, here?" asked Rocky. "Well," said the other inmate, down in the prison library there's only one joke book. We've all read the book so many times that we don't waste time telling the joke," we just call out it's number." So the next day Rocky went down to the library and, sure enough, found the yellowed, dog-eared joke book and read it from cover to cover. That night, wanting to be part of the group, Rocky confidently called out "44" and everyone laughed! He tried calling "16" and "62" and again there were peals of laughter. Then he called 57, and the halls rang with laughter. After several minutes, one prisoner was still rolling on the floor laughing. More minutes - still laughing. Rocky rapped on the cell wall. "Yeah, waddaya want?" asked the other inmate. "I don't understand it," asked Rocky, Why is Bill still laughing?" "Well," said the gruff inmate, He never heard that one before!"
It's a pity you've gone on hunger strike,' said the convict's girlfriend on visiting day. 'Why?' 'I've put a file in your cake.
Judge: Tell me your occupation. Prisoner; I'm a locksmith, Your Honour. Judge: Then what were you doing in a jewellery shop in the middle of the night when the police saw you? Prisoner; Making a bolt for the door!
Judge: Why did you steal that bird? Prisoner: For a lark, sir.
Judge: You claim you robbed the grocery store because you were starving. So why didn't you take the food instead of the cash out of the till? Burglar: Your Honour! I'm a proud man, sir, and I make it a rule to pay for everything I eat.
Knock Knock! Who's there? Burglar! Burglar who? Burglars don't knock!
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: What's your name?" "Clarence, said the bird. That's a dumb name for a parrot, sneered the burglar. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
Newsflash: Two criminals have escaped from prison today. One is orange and 9ft tall, and the other green and yellow and 2ft Gin tall. The police are searching high and low for them.
Policeman: Did you know your vehicle was reported stolen? Criminal: It wasn't when I took it.
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognised as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community ... . and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodelling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".
t was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early, replied the defendant. That's no offense, said the judge. How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
The criminal mastermind found one of his gang sawing the legs off his bed. "What are you doing that for?" demanded the crook boss. "Only doing what you ordered, said the stupid thug. You told me to lie low for a bit!"
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, Well," what about you, son? What is your final request?" "Please," said the condemned man, kill me first."
Two small time thieves had been sent by the Big Boss to steal a van load of goods from a bathroom suppliers. One stayed in the van as look out and the other went into the storeroom. Fifteen minutes went by, then half an hour, then an hour, and no sign of him. The look out finally grew impatient and went to look for his partner. Inside the store the two came face to face. "Where have you been?" demanded the worried look out. "The boss told me to take a bath, but I couldn't find the soap and a towel."
Victim (to mugger): But my watch isn't any good, it only has sentimental value. Mugger: That's all right. I'm sentimental.
What did the burglar say to the lady who caught him stealing her silver? I'm at your service, ma'am.
What did the burglar say to the watchmaker as he tied him up? Sorry to take so much of your valuable time.
What diploma do criminals get? The third degree.
What do you call a mayfly with a criminal tendencies? Baddy long legs!
What do you call a robbery in China? A Chinese take away!
What do you get if you cross a bunch of flowers with a burglar? Robbery with violets!
What do you get if you cross a gorilla and a prisoner? A Kong - vict!
What hired killer never goes to jail? The exterminator.
What is the difference between a thief and a church bell? One steals from the people, the other peals, from the steeple.
What kind of party do prisoners in jail like most of all. A going-away party.
What kind of robbery is not dangerous? A safe robbery.
What kind of thief steals meat? A hamburglar.
What makes you think the prisoner was drunk? asked the judge. "Well, Your honour," replied the arresting officer, I saw him lift up a manhole cover and walk away with it," and when I asked him what it was for he said, 'I want to listen to it on my record-player!' "
What stars go to jail? Shooting stars.
What three letters in the alphabet frighten criminals? FBI
What was the parrot doing in prison? It was a jail-bird!
What's another word for a murderer who kills old ladies? A Killergran.
When did the criminal get smart? When the judge threw the book at him.
When the school was broken into, the thieves took absolutely everything - desks, books, blackboards, everything apart from the soap in the lavatories and all the towels. The police are looking for a pair of dirty criminals.
Who is the biggest gangster in the sea? Al Caprawn!
Who is the strongest thief? A shoplifter.
Who was the world's greatest thief? Atlas, because he held up the whole world!
Why are burglars such good tennis players? Because they spend such a lot of their time in courts!
Why did the burglar take a shower? He wanted to make a clean getaway
Why do pens get sent to prison? To do long sentences!
Why do they put a suicide watch on death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you're planning to kill anyway, kills himself? Does it spoil the fun? I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him. Apparently, just to anger him.
Why is a sinking ship like a person in jail? Because it needs bailing out.
Why was the robber bionic? He was holding up a bank.
Why was the robber so secure? He was a safe robber.
Why would someone in jail want to catch the measles? So he could break out.
