Telephone Jokes
For jokes about telephones, prepare to chuckle ...
A man and a couple of his friends had just finished a round of golf at the country club and they were changing their shoes when a mobile phone on the bench rang. The man picked it up and answered it. "Hi honey, said the woman on the other end. Hi honey, replied the man. I was just calling to tell you about this fur coat I found today. It's beautiful fox fur and I just love the way it looks on me. It's on sale too, a real bargain. It's down to £2000 from £4000. Can I get it?" The man thought about it for a sec and said, "You're sure it's a good deal?" "Oh yes, replied the woman. Okay then, I guess you can get it," replied the man. The woman continued,Oh," and you know how we've been thinking about getting rid of the Lexus and getting a new Jaguar? Well, I went to the dealership today and the guy gave me a real deal. He said he'd lower the price from £50,000 to £35,000 just for me. Can I get it?" The man thought a little harder and said,"If you're sure it's a good deal, then yes, go ahead and get the Jaguar. The woman continued again. "Oh," one last thing, honey. Remember that house we saw last month that we really liked, but decided we'd wait and think about? Well, it's on the market again, so I checked the price. It's down to £450,000 and I checked with the bank and we have enough in the current account so that I can just write a cheque. Should I get it?" The man got a frown on his face and said,"See if you can get them down to £420,000. If they'll go down to that, go ahead and get it. The woman was extremely excited. "Okay honey," thank you so much! I'll see you when I get home! Bye!" "Bye," said the man. He hung up the phone and looked at the other men in the locker room and said, Does anyone know whose phone this is?"
A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of a patient. "Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking or where the voices are coming from?" asked the psychiatrist. "As a matter of fact, I do, said the patient. And when does this happen?" asked the psychiatrist. "Oh," said the patient, when I answer the telephone."
After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication. When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief. Since we both owned computers, we encourage our wives to use electronic mail. Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents!
At three o'clock one morning a veterinary surgeon was woken from a deep sleep by the ringing of his telephone. He staggered downstairs and answered the phone. "I'm sorry if I woke you, said a voice at the other end of the line. That's all right," said the vet, I had to get up to answer the telephone anyway."
Caller: My goodness, Operator! Your nose is so stuffed up, I can't understand you. You should really take something for that cold. Operator: Good idea. I'll take the rest of the day off!
Caller: Operator! Operator! Call me an ambulance! Operator: Okay. You're an ambulance!
Caller: Operator! Operator! Do you know my boyfriend's line has been busy for an hour? Operator: No, but if you hum a few bars, I might be able to sing along with you.
Caller: Operator! Operator! I don't know what's wrong with my phone, but I can't make long distance calls any longer! Operator: Don't worry. Your long distance calls are long enough already!
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a telephone. Doctor: Why's that? I keep getting calls in the night.
Harry was madly in love with Betty, but couldn't pluck up enough courage to pop the question face to face. Finally he decided to ask her on the telephone. 'Darling!' he blurted out, 'will you marry me?' 'Of course, I will, you silly boy,' she replied, 'who is it speaking?
Hello, police? Please send an officer over to 324 London Road right away! Sorry, this isn't the police station. It's the Delicatessen. Oh. Well, in that case, please send over a pastrami sandwich!
How can you tell if a bee is on the phone? You get a buzzy signal.
How can you tell if someone who's having a temper tantrum is on the phone? You get a tizzy signal!
How can you tell if someone who's just had a perm is on the phone? You get a frizzy signal!
How did the telephones get married? In a double ring ceremony!
How do Iranians speak on the telephone? Persian-to-Persian (person-to-person).
How do scaredy-cats answer the phone? Yellow?
How do, like, really laid-back types answer the phone? Mellow.
How does a baboon make phone calls? He just monkeys around on the line!
How does a baritone make phone calls? Song distance!
How does a cheerleader answer the phone? H-E-L-L-O!
How does a door chime answer the phone? Bella?
How does a football player make phone calls? On a touch-down phone.
How does a lobster answer the phone? Shello?
How does a skeleton call her friends? On a telebone.
How does Ebenezer Scrooge make phone calls? Collect!
How is a telephone like a dirty bathtub? They both have rings!
How that we are engaged I hope you'll give me a ring. Of course. What's your phone number?
If you cross a telephone and a lobster what will you get? Snappy talk.
If you cross a telephone and a pair of scissors, what do you get? Snippy answers.
Kelso met Hensley on the street. "Hey!" said Kelso, "how come I never hear from you? Why don't you call me on the telephone?" "You ain't got no tellyphone!" said Hensley. "I know, said Kelso. But you do!"
Moody was awakened by the telephone at four M. It was his Ku Klux Klan buddy, Crumm, calling long distance from Montgomery. "What's the matter?" asked Moody. "Are you in trouble?" "No!" said Crumm. "What do you want, then?" "Nothing!" "Then how come you are calling me in the middle of the night?" asked Moody. "Cause!" said the other redneck, "the rates is cheaper!"
Mother: Why was the phone busy all night? Babysitter: The fire department put me on hold.
Party Host: Hello? Phone Caller: I'm trying to reach a Ms. Nidiot. Her first name is Ima. Could you please ask if anybody at your party knows her? Party Host: I'd be glad to. Please hold on. (shouts) Excuse me, but does anybody know Ima Nidiot?
The new office-boy came into his boss's office and said, "I think you're wanted on the phone, sir." "What d'you mean, you think?" demanded the boss. "Well, sir, the phone rang, I answered it and a voice said 'is that you, you old fool?"
The phone in Rigby's Georgia farmhouse rang one evening. When he answered, the operator said, "This is long distance from Chicago." "I knowed it's a long distance from Chicago!" answered the farmer. "How come you called to tell me that?"
What animals talk on the telephone the most? The yakety-yaks!
What asks no question but demands an answer? A doorbell or a ringing telephone.
What did the answering machine say to the telephone? Take my word for it.
What did the man say when he got a big phone bill? "Who said talk is cheap?"
What do ghosts use to phone home? A terror-phone.
What do you call a telephone call from one vicar to another? A parson to parson call!
What do you call an elephant in a phone box? Stuck.
What do you call the sound a ghost makes when he calls you? A phone moan.
What do you get if you cross a phone with a birthday celebration? A party line!
What do you get if you cross a phone with a mouthwash? Tele-Scope.
What do you get if you cross a phone with a rooster? A wake-up call!
What do you get if you cross a pig and a telephone? A lot of crackling on the line!
What do you get if you cross a telephone and a marriage bureau? A wedding ring!
What do you get if you cross a telephone with a fat football player? A wide receiver.
What do you get if you cross a telephone with a night crawler? Ringworm!
What do you get if you cross a telephone with an iron? A smooth operator!
What do you get when you cross a telephone with a pair of trousers? Bell-bottoms!
What happened to the little frog who sat on the telephone? He grew up to be a bellhop!
What kind of music do phones love to hear? A symphony
What kind of phone makes music? A saxophone.
When does a horse talk on the phone? Whinny wants to!
When doesn't a telephone work underwater? When it's wringing wet!
Who invented the telephone? The Phoenicians (phone-itions).
Who was that on the phone, Fred? Fred: No one important. Just some man who said it was long distance from Australia, so I told him I knew that already and put the phone down!
Why are there so many Johnson in he phone book? They all have phones.
Why did Dr Frankenstein have his telephone cut off? Because he wanted to win the Nobel prize!
Why did the alien phone home on his mobile? Because it was so ET!
Why did the chicken walk on the telephone wire? She wanted to lay it on the line!
Why did the girl who worked for the telephone company sing all the time? Because she was an operetta (operator).
Why is an engaged girl like a telephone? Because they both have rings.
