Bed Jokes

For jokes about beds and sleeping, prepare to chuckle ...

A little boy came downstairs crying late one night. "What's wrong?" asked his mother. "Do people really come from dust, like they said in church?" he sobbed. "In a way they do, said his mother. And when they die so they turn back to dust?" "Yes, they do." The little boy began to cry again. "Well, under my bed there's someone either coming or going."

A neighbour bumped into Jenny playing outside her house after dark. 'Hello, Jenny,' said the neighbour. 'Isn't it time for little girls to be in bed?' 'How would I know?' asked Jenny. 'I haven't got any little girls.

Counsellor: How many times did I tell you to make your bed? Jane: I can't answer. I didn't know I was supposed to keep count!

Did you hear about the granny who plugged her electric blanket into the toaster by mistake? She spent the night popping out of bed.

Doctor, doctor, I keep dreaming there are great, gooey, bug-eyed monsters playing tiddley winks under my bed. What shall I do? Hide the tiddley winks.

Doctor, doctor, I'm having difficulty sleeping. Doctor: Well maybe it's your bed. Oh, I'm all right at night, it's in the day I have problems.

Father: Why did you put a toad in your sister's bed? Son: I couldn't find a spider.

How can you shorten a bed? Don't sleep long in it.

How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed? When your nose touches the ceiling!

I don't think my Mom knows much about children. Why do you say that? Because she always puts me to bed when I'm wide awake, and gets me up when I'm sleepy!

I was once in a play called Breakfast In Bed. Did you have a big role? No, just toast and marmalade.

I woke up, went for a walk, my head fell off and rolled away. I picked it up and put it on. A child walked up to me and said: "Good grief, where are your feet?" I must have left them in bed!

I'd like to buy a bed, please. Certainly, madam. Spring mattress? Oh, no! I want to be able to use it all year.

I'd love you to stay the night, but I'm afraid you'll have to make your own bed. Oh, that's all right, I don't mind at all. Right. Here's a hammer, a saw, and some nails. The wood's in the garage. I have four legs, but only one foot. What am I? A bed

Knock Knock! Who's there? Bed! Bed who? Bed you can't guess who I am!

Mother: Did you make your bed today? Daughter: Yes, Mom, but I think it would be easier to buy one.

Shall I tell you the joke about the bed? No, because it hasn't been made up yet.

Sonny: I can't sleep. What should I do? Counsellor: Lie near the edge of the bed. That way you'll be sure to drop off!

The hotel we stayed in for our holiday offered bed and board, but it was impossible to say which was the bed and which was the board.

Three boys were sharing the same bed on holiday, but it was so crowded that one of them decided to sleep on the floor. After a while, one of his friends told him he might as well get in to bed again. There's lots of room now,' he said.

Two friends who lived in the town were chatting. "I've just bought a pig, said the first. But where will you keep it?" said the second. "Your yard's much too small for a pig!" "I'm going to keep it under my bed, replied his friend. But what about the smell?" "He'll soon get used to that."

What animal always goes to bed with its shoes on? A horse!

What do tigers wear in bed? Stripey pyjamas!

What do you call a python with a great bedside manner? A snake charmer.

What is the softest bed for a baby to sleep on? Cot-on-wool.

What should you do if you find a 500-pound dog asleep on your bed? Sleep on the sofa.

What should you do if you find a snake in your bed? Sleep in the wardrobe.

What should you do if you find a witch in your bed? Run!

When does a bed grow longer? At night, because two feet are added to it.

When is your mind like a rumpled bed? When it isn't made up yet.

When Mr Maxwell's wife left him, he couldn't sleep. Why was that? She had taken the bed.

Who stole the sheets from the bed? Bed buglars.

Why are rivers lazy? Because they never get off their beds.