Misc Animal Jokes
For miscellaneous animal jokes, get ready to chuckle ...
A boy at a cinema notices what looks like a bear sitting next to him "Are you a bear?" "Yes" "What are you doing at the movies?" "Well, I liked the book!"
A family of tortoises went into a cafe for some ice cream. They sat down and were about to start when Father Tortoise said, "I think it's going to rain. Junior, will you pop home and fetch my umbrella?" So off went junior for Father's umbrella, but three days later he still hadn't returned. "I think, dear," said Mother Tortoise to Father Tortoise, that we had better eat junior's ice cream before it melts." And a voice from the door said," "If you do that I won't go."
A fish walks into a bar, the bartender asks, "What would you like?" the fish says holding his neck, "Water".
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, Hey lady." She paused and said," "Yes?" The bird said, "You know."
A lion was getting rather old and slow and having difficulty catching its prey. It decided it needed a disguise so that other animals did not know it was a lion and would not run away. So it goes into a fancy dress shop and buys a gorilla suit. It then heads for a watering hole to see if it can catch something with its new disguise. On the way it comes across two eagles sitting on a rock. One eagle says to it "Hi Mr. Lion!" The other said, "Where did you get the gorilla suit?" The lion, rather frustrated, asks, "How did you know I was a lion?" The eagles then started to sing, "You can't hide your lion eyes".
A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I come in?" the man shouted "NO why don't you all understand I want to be alone!" and he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, "What did you do that for?"
A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion. The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head. "There" says the vet, Your hamster is dead. Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head. "It's definitely dead sir", says the vet. Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes. "That will be L1000, please". "A L1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead" fumes the man. "Well", says the vet, "There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan".
A skunk family had two little skunks they called In and Out. One day little In disappeared. Mother Skunk, Father Skunk and young Out spent hours looking for him, getting more worried all the time. In the end the parents went home to have a cup of tea, but Out said he'd continue searching for a while. Half an hour later he returned home, with a tired In following behind him. 'However did you find him?' asked Father Skunk. 'In-stinct,' replied Out.
A snail starts a slow climb up the trunk of an apple tree. He is watched by a sparrow who can't help laughing and eventually says "Don't you know there aren't any apples on the tree yet?" "Yes," said the snail, but there will be by the time I get up there."
A vampire bat came flapping in from a night of foraging, covered in fresh blood. He parked himself on the cave's roof to get some sleep. Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me." He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Do you see that tree over there?" "YES, YES, YES!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Well I didn't!"
An old lady was considering buying a squirrel fur coat. "But will it be all right in the rain?" she asked anxiously. "Oh certainly, ma'am, said the manager smoothly. After all, you've never seen a squirrel with an umbrella have you?"
Are shellfish warm? No they're clammy!
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
Did you hear about the argumentative skunk? He always liked to make a stink!
Did you hear about the boy who was told to do 100 lines? He drew 100 cats on the paper. He thought the teacher had said lions.
Did you hear about the new shark food restaurant called Jaws? It costs an arm and a leg to eat there!
Did you hear about the skunk who sat on a fan? He got cut off without a scent!
Did you hear about the whale who couldn't keep a secret? He was a blubber mouth!
Did you hear the joke about the skunk? Never mind, it stinks!
Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise!
Exasperated dragon on the field of battle: "Mother said there would be knights like this."
First Caribou: What kind of math do owls like? Second Caribou: Owlgebra.
First Caribou: Which bug does amazing motor cycle stunts? Second Caribou: Evel Boll Weevil.
First Kangaroo: How do you tell the difference between an elephant and a rhinoceros? Second Kangaroo: The elephant has a better memory.
First Kangaroo: If you were surrounded by 30 lions, 25 elephants and 10 hippos, how would you get away from them? Second Kangaroo: Step off the merry-go-round.
First Kangaroo: What do you call it when giraffes moving one way get mixed up with giraffes moving another way? Second Kangaroo: A giraffic jam.
How are skunks able to avoid danger? By using their instinks and common scents!
How are tigers like sergeants in the army? They both wear stripes!
How can you tell a rabbit from a skunk? A skunk uses a cheaper deodorant!
How can you tell when a skunk is angry? It raises a stink!
How could the dolphin afford to buy a house? He prawned everything!
How do snails get their shells all shiny? They use snail polish.
How do you hire a teddy bear? Put him on stilts!
How do you shoot a great white shark? Hold his nose until he turns blue and then you shoot him with a blue shark spear gun!
How do you start a teddy bear race? Ready, teddy, go!
How do you weigh a whale? On Whale Weigh Scales.
How does a group of dolphin's make a decision? Flipper coin!
How does a leopard change its spots? When it gets tired of one spot it just moves to another!
How does an octopus go to war? Well-armed!
How many skunks do you need to make a house really smelly? Just a phew!
How should you treat a baby goat? Like a kid.
How would you get four reindeer in a car? Two in the front and two in the back! And how do you get four polar bears in a car? Take the reindeer out first
If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, What's a tiger? A stri-ped!
If a hungry shark is after you, what should you feed it? Jawbreakers!
If they made a movie starring the Loch Ness monster and the great white shark from Jaws, what would the movie be called? Loch Jaws.
Look over there! Said the frightened skunk to his pal. "There's a human with a gun, and he's getting closer and closer! What are we going to do?" To which the second skink calmly replied, "Let us spray ."
Mama bear to Papa bear: "Well ... You might call it hibernating -- I call it 'goofing off'."
One day Mullah was beating his donkey in a remote place. A man saw him and asked: why are you beating the poor animal. Sorry, said Mullah, is it a member of your family?
One day there was a tortoise walking on the road. Along came the hare that had once been defeated by the tortoise in a race. The hare was so angry from what had happened to him so he challenged him to another race. The tortoise gladly accepted his challenge. It ended up that the tortoise and the hare never finished the race because they both took a nap right before the finish line. So the tortoise is still the champion of the race. So remember this you snooze you loose!
One goldfish to his tankmate: "If there's no God, who changes the water?"
There are bats hanging of a branch upside down, all except one. Two bats comment: "What's happened to this one? - I don't know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then he fainted.
There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail, really hard. Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle. "Why did you do that?" the giraffe asks. "When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason, the elephant replied. Wow! You must have a good memory!" exclaimed the giraffe. "Yep!" said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."
There was once a puppy called May who loved to pick quarrels with animals who were bigger than she was. One day she argued with a lion. The next day was the first of June. Why? Because that was the end of May!
There's a guy who's hiking in the woods one day when a bear chases him up a really tall tree. The bear started to climb the tree, so the guy climbed up higher. Then, the bear climbed down and went away. So the guy starts to climb down the tree. Suddenly, the bear returns, and this time he's brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears climb up the tree, the bigger bear going higher than the first. But the guy climbed even higher still, so the bears couldn't reach him. Eventually, the bears went away. Naturally quite relieved, the guy starts down the tree again. Suddenly, the two bears return. But this time the guy knew he was in big trouble. Each bear was carrying a BEAVER.
This little snail bought a little car and took it to the body shop to have it painted. The service man asked him exactly what he wanted done, and the snail said he wanted little S's painted all around and all over his car. The service man asked him why, and the snail answered "When people see me in my car I want them to say, look at that S-Car-Go!"
Turtle to turtle: "Don't ya just love the sound of rain on your roof?"
Two hikers are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first hiker gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second hiker says, "What are you doing?" The first responds, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it." The second says, "Are you crazy? Don't you know you can't outrun a bear? The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear ... I only have to outrun you!"
Two skunks were being chased by a bear. As the bear got closer, one of the skunks said "Whatever shall we do?" "Let us spray!" replied the other.
What animal do you look like when you get into the bath? A little bear!
What are the most athletic rodents? Track and field mice.
What did Cinderella Dolphin where to the ball? Glass flippers!
What did one skunk say to another? And so do you!
What did one slug say to another who had hit him and rushed off? I'll get you next slime!
What did the baby dolphin do when he didn't get his way? He whale-d
What did the baby skunk want to be when he grew up? A big stinker!
What did the emu say to the nurse? Mend her bones or walk the plank
What did the judge say when the skunk was on trial? Odour in court!
What did the lions say to his cubs when he taught them to hunt? 'Don't go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.
What did the slug say as he slipped down the window very fast? How slime flies!
What did the snail say when he hitched a ride on the turtle? Wheeeee!
What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common? Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth!
What do polar bears have for lunch? Ice burger!
What do reindeer say before telling you a joke? This one will sleigh you!
What do tigers wear in bed? Stripey pyjamas!
What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle? A polo bear!
What do you call a flying skunk? A smellicopter!
What do you call a gigantic polar bear? Nothing, you just run away!
What do you call a lion wearing a cravat and a flower in its mane? A dandy lion!
What do you call a neurotic octopus? A crazy, mixed-up squid.
What do you call a show full of lions? The mane event!
What do you call rubber bumpers on yachts? Shark absorbers!
What do you call someone who sticks his right hand in shark's mouths? Lefty!
What do you call the reindeer with one eye higher than the other? Isaiah!
What do you do when two snails have a fight? Leave them to slug it out.
What do you get if you cross a bottle of water with an electric eel? A bit of a shock really!
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp? A bear faced lyre!
What do you get if you cross a hedgehog with a giraffe? A long necked toothbrush!
What do you get if you cross a skunk and a balloon? A creature that stinks to high heaven!
What do you get if you cross a skunk and a boomerang? A smell that keeps coming back!
What do you get if you cross a skunk and a cartoon penguin? Pingu-Pong!
What do you get if you cross a skunk and a dinosaur? A stinkasaurus!
What do you get if you cross a skunk and a wasp? Something that stinks and stings!
What do you get if you cross a skunk and an owl? A bird that stinks but doesn't give a hoot!
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear? Winnie the Pooh!
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig? A teddy boar!
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangeroo? A stripey jumper!
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep? A stripey sweater!
What do you get if you cross a zebra with an ape man? Tarzan stripes forever.
What do you get if you cross an eel with a shopper? A slippery customer.
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach? Elkaseltzer.
What does a squid sheriff form? An octoposse!
What does an octopus take on a camping trip? Tentacles!
What does an octopus wear on a cold day? A coat of arms!
What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head? A tiger moth!
What gas do snails prefer? Shell.
What happened to the cold jellyfish? It set!
What happened to the lizard in the wizard's garden pond? He had him newt-ered.
What happened to the man who tried to cross a lioin with a goat? He had to get a new goat!
What happened to the skunk who failed his swimming lesson? He stank to the bottom of the pool!
What happened to the tiger who took a bath three times a day? After a week he was spotless!
What happened when the lion ate the comedian? He felt funny!
What happens when sharks take their clothes off? They go sharkers!
What has antlers, pulls Father Christmas' sleigh and is made of cement? I don't know. A reindeer! What about the cement? I just threw that in to make it hard.
What is a bear's favourite drink? Koka-Koala!
What is a buttress? A female goat.
What is a chameleon's motto? A change is as good as a rest!
What is a dolphin's favourite TV show? Whale of fortune!
What is a whale's favourite TV show? Flukes of Hazard!
What is slimy and wobbly, tastes of raspberry and lives in the seas? A red jellyfish.
What is the best advice to give a worm? Sleep late.
What is the feeling that you've smelled a certain skunk before? Deja phew!
What is the fiercest flower in the garden? The tiger lily!
What is the most famous shark? William Sharkspeare!
What kind of money do polar bears use? Ice lolly!
What kind of noise annoys an oyster? A noisy noise annoys an oyster! (Try saying that fast!)
What kind of sharks make good carpenters? Hammerheads!
What kind of tiles can't you stick on walls? Reptiles!
What kind of whale flies? Pilot whales!
What lives in the ocean, is grouchy and hates neighbours? A hermit crab!
What powerful reptile is found in the Sydney opera house? The Lizard of Oz!
What purrs along the road and leaves holes in the lawn? A Moles Royce.
What should you call a bald teddy? Fred bear!
What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater? 'Claws.
What would you get if you crossed a grizzly with the world's greatest basketball player? Bear Jordan.
What's a pet's favourite day? ... Saint Petrick's Day
What's a skunk's favourite game in school? Show and smell!
What's a skunk's philosophy of life? Eat, stink and be merry!
What's a teddy bears favourite pasta? Tagliateddy!
What's an octopuses favourite latin saying? Squid pro quo!
What's at the end of Moby Dick? A whale of a time!
What's black and white and makes a lot of noise? A zebra with a set of drums.
What's black and white, stinks and hangs from a line? A drip dry skunk.
What's the definition of a nervous breakdown? A chameleon on a tartan rug!
What's the difference between a reindeer and a snowball? They're both brown, except the snowball.
What's the difference between a tiger and a lion? A tiger has the mane part missing!
What's the favourite flavour of sharks? Shark-o-late!
What's wet and wiggly and says how do you do sixteen times? Two octopuses shaking hands.
What's yellow, comes from Peru, and is completely unknown? Waterloo Bear, Paddington Bear's forgotten cousin!
When is a lion not a lion? When he turns into his cage!
When should you feel sorry for a skunk? When its spray pump is out of order!
Where do sharks come from? Sharkago!
Where do you find a down-and-out octopus? On squid row!
Which big cat should you never play cards with? A cheetah!
Which ghost sailed the seven seas looking for rubbish and blubber? The ghost of BinBag the Whaler.
Which is the most dangerous animal in the Northern Hemisphere? Yak the Ripper
Who held the baby octopus to ransom? Squidnappers!
Who robs banks and squirts ink? Billy the Squid.
Who was the most famous pirate octopus? Captain Squid!
Why are dolphins cleverer than humans? Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish!
Why did a gambler scare everyone out swimming? He was a card shark!
Why did Mrs. Smokey the Bear divorce Smokey the Bear? Because every time she got hot, he'd beat her with a shovel!
Why did the dolphin feel crabby? Because he ate too many crabs!
Why did the grey whale go on a diet? Because he wasn't a Fin whale!
Why did the jellyfish's wife leave him? He stung her into action.
Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on Thanksgiving? They couldn't get the moose in the oven!
Why did the skunk buy four boxes of tissues? Because he had a stinking cold!
Why did the tadpole feel lonely? Because he was newt to the area!
Why did the whale cross the road? To get to the other tide!
Why did the whale like the diver? Because he had flippers!
Why do bears have fur coats? Because they'd look stupid in anoraks!
Why do polo bears like bald men? Because they have a great, white, bear place!
Why do you never see zebras or antelopes at Victoria Station? Because it's a 'mane-lion' station!
Why don't lobsters share? They're shellfish.
Why don't whales eat sushi very often? Of course whales like sushi. It's just those itty-bitty chop sticks that keep getting stuck in their teeth.
Why is a reindeer like a gossip? Because they are both tail bearers!
Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet? It lives on ice!
Why was the lion-tamer fined? He parked on a yellow lion!
Why was the little bear so spoiled? Because its mother panda'd to its every whim!
Why was the skunk angry? He was incensed!
Why was the young kangaroo thrown out by his mother? For smoking in bed.
