Cat Jokes
For jokes about cats, get ready to chuckle ...
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... I must be a God!
A guy walks into a laundry run by cats. "Excuse me", he said to the cat in charge, "Can you get milk stains out?" "Sure, replied the cat. We'll have that stain licked in a minute!"
A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man playing chess with his cat. She says to the man "I can't believe what I'm seeing, a cat that plays chess, what a clever animal!" The man replied "Nah lady this cats not clever at all I'm beating it 6 games to 1"
Brother: Did you put the cat out? Sister: Why, is it on fire?
Doctor, said the patient, I need help! I can't stop acting like a cat!" "How long have you had this problem?" the doctor asked. "Let's see," said the patient, Mom had the litter in '41"
For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats: - Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. - No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. - You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. - Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile. - No cat or teenager shares you taste in music. - Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. - Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry o n as if they did. - Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom. - Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture. - Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
How do cats buy things? - From a cat-alogue!
How do cats eat spaghetti? The same as everyone else - they put it in their mouths!
How do you know if you cat's got a bad cold? He has cat-arrh!
How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling? She's got that down in the mouth look!
How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures? They never cry over spilt milk!
How is cat food sold? Usually purr can!
If a cat won an Oscar, what would he get? An a-cat-emy award.
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "Whatcha doing, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. And I've just buried him." The neighbour was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish," isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
On what should you mount a statue of your cat? A caterpillar!
Teacher: Name four members of the cat family Pupil: Daddy cat, mummy cat and two kittens!
There were four cats in a boat, one jumped out. How many were left? None. They were all copy cats!
What cat purrs more than any other? Purrsians!
What did the black cat say to the fish? I've got a bone to pick with you!
What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese? He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath!
What did the cat say when he lost all his money? I'm paw!
What did the female cat say to the male cat? - You're the purrfect cat for me!
What do cat actors say on stage? Tabby or not tabby!
What do cats like to eat on a hot day? - Mice cream
What do cats read in the morning? Mewspapers!
What do you call a black cat than can spring up to a six foot wall? A good jumpurr!
What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck? A duck filled fatty puss!
What do you call a cat wearing shoes? Puss in boots!
What do you call a cat when he first wakes up with the alarm clock? - Catsup!
What do you call a cat who eats lemons? - A sourpuss!
What do you call a cat who's joined the Red Cross? - A first-aid kit!
What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes to swim? An octopuss!
What do you call it when a cat bites? - Catnip!
What do you call it when a cat stops? - A paws!
What do you call the loser in a hissing, scratching cat fight? - Claude
What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla? An animal that puts you out a night!
What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar? A sourpuss!
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree? A cat-a-logue!
What do you get if you cross a cat with Father Christmas? Santa Claws!
What does a cat call a bowl of mice? A purrfect meal!
What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool? She had mittens!
What is a black cat's favourite TV show? Miami Mice!
What is an octopus? An eight-sided cat.
What is another way to describe a cat? A heat seeking missile!
What is cleverer than a talking cat? A spelling bee!
What is the cat's favourite TV show? The evening mews!
What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea? A catameringue!
What kind of cat should you take into the desert? A first aid kitty!
What kind of cats lay around the house? - Car-pets!
What kind of work does a weak cat do? - Light mouse work.
What looks like half a cat? The other half!
What noise does a cat make going down the highway? Miaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow!
What works in a circus, walks a tightrope and has claws? An acrocat!
What's a cat's favourite food? - Petatoes!
What's a cat's second favourite food? - Spa-catti!
What's every cat's favourite song? - Three Blind Mice!
What's furry, has whiskers and chases outlaws? A posse cat!
What's the unluckiest kind of cat to have? A catastrophe!
When is a bad time to cross a black cat? When you are a mouse!
When is it unlucky to see a black cat? When your a mouse!
When the cat's away ... ..? The house smells better!
When you call a dog, they usually come to you. When you call a cat; they take a message.
Where did the kittens go on their class trip? - To a mewseum.
Where do cats write down notes? - Scratch Paper!
Which big cat should you never play cards with? A cheetah!
Which game did the cat want to play with the mouse? - Catch.
Who was the most powerful cat in China? Chairman Miaow!
Why are black cats such good singers? They're very mewsical.
Why are cats longer in the evening than they are in the morning? Because they're let out in the evening and taken in in the morning!
Why couldn't the cat speak? The dog taped his mouth.
Why did the cat join the Red Cross? Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit!
Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge? Because it turns "ice" into "mice"!
Why did the cat sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens? - Because she wanted to mail a litter.
Why do black cats never shave? Because 8 out of 10 cats prefer whiskas!
Why do cats chase birds? For a lark!
Why do cats eat fur balls? - Because they love a good gag!
Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise? - It's meow-sic to their ears!
Why do tomcats fight? Because they like raising a stink!
Why does everyone love cats? - They're purr-fect!
Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was some money in the kitty!
Why is a crazy marmalade cat like a biscuit? They are both ginger nuts!
Why was the cat afraid of the tree? Because of the tree bark.
Why was the cat so small? Because it only ate condensed milk!
